Oopsies

It's been a little while since I've posted. And by a little while I mean lots of months - almost five. Actually, believe it or not, a lot of things have happened and changed. I've been to the hospital... what? two more times? One was the emergency room, but they let me go, which I thought at the time was a mistake. The other time was for electroconvulsive shock therapy (ECT) - yes, they still do that. But more on that later (I promise). I'm almost done with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group, although my individual therapist wants me to go through it again. I went from sleeping more than my high school self would have ever thought possible (12+ hours a night and still feeling exhausted) to not being able to sleep again. Luckily, it's just the falling asleep part I'm struggling with. Once I get to sleep I can go back to sleep when I wake up. I keep planning on asking my pdoc about it, but I feel bad bothering him over break, so I keep skipping it. Also, it would involve me going on another medication, which, if you keep reading, you'll find is a thing we don't want. And well, a lot more has happened, really.

I know what you really want to hear about is the ECT, but you have to wait for that. Instead I'll do a boring yearly blog recap. Although, if you want my honest opinion on New Year's stuff, I suggest you read the post I wrote a few years ago entitled "You Say You Want A Resolution..." because that's still true. However, if you would like to answer the question at the bottom of that post: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW? please comment on THIS post and not that post.

This year's blog recap is pretty simple since I had so few posts.
Here is the top post of each month:

April: Couch to 10k?
June: "Everything is Different the Second Time Around"
July: a thread
August: Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
December: Oopsies

Other updates to my past posts of this year,
Couch to 10k? and So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out? I did stop the couch to 10k program again. At the beginning of the semester I was taking 22 hours (to drop down to 11 later). And at one point I was walking home from campus every night of the week. It was too much for me, so I stopped. And I never started back up.

School and Mental Illness I ended up dropping Organic Chemistry, but ended up getting the only perfect score on the final in the class I was doing well in. And I did make an A in the class.

Sadly, the picture in a thread is still how I feel - even after all the DBT and the post Starting DBT and Hope, hope is still a think I lack.

And, as far as meds go, I am doing a med wash - gradually stopping all my meds. This is because they don't seem to be working. Which of course gives me SO much hope since the ECT didn't work. But, that's for another post. Or maybe not. Follow my med wash on my My Med Story post.

I think that's all I want to say for now. But tune in soon for more.

And I ask again: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW?

And/or: It's been awhile - how have you been doing?

Montessori School

Note: Blogger does not autosave well. I had a semi-long post and it got deleted when my computer unexpectedly shut down for updates. I wish I didn't have to have that enabled to use the school's wifi. This has made me put off rewriting this post. Not that I really have an excuse.

So, as you probably know, I've been working at a Montessori school these past few months or so. Working there is actually kind of fun. I've gotten attached to all the children (I'm not allowed to call them kids... baby goats are kids). It's pretty hectic but is okay overall. I'm getting up earlier than I had to for school which is a little more than funny, but you know.

The children don't quite take me as serious as the other teachers, but I guess that's okay. They don't listen to me as well. And they're not as quiet when they do listen. Maybe it's because I don't seem to have the scary dangerous sounding mode. All I do is ask nicely for them to do things. And it does, I admit, sound more like asking than telling. There's one child I have been working with in particular. He regularly tells me to shut up or calls me stupid. This puts the other teachers in a what-did-you-just-say scary mode. But I just continue to ask nicely for him to do whatever it was. My trick with him is annoying him into doing what I want him to do. One time I had to ask for an hour and a half before he would do his spelling. But eventually I get so annoying he caves and does it. The teacher/my boss says I'm the only one he listens to. I can't say I truly believe that, but it's a nice thought.

It's weird having a "miss." in front of my name but the weirdest part for me is that I don't feel old enough to work there. After all, I remember being a student of that age. I remember things much differently from how I see them now. For example, the teachers seemed to be rocks. I now know that we aren't rocks at all. We hope to hold strong, but it doesn't feel like we do. The children, ages 5-12, don't seem to notice. It's also weird because I remember being in sixth grade and having some of the same feelings I have now. Even though I know I must have changed. But it just seems a little strange. And I hate thinking that maybe some of the children are like me at those ages.

I'm also a little afraid I'll do or say something I shouldn't, and it'll have an effect on the children. This is not a new fear -- I'm afraid of having a negative effect on everyone -- but I never before have spent every day for months on end with such impressionable people. I guess other than when I was the same age. In the summer I'll be working with even younger children who are even more impressionable. It worries me a little. It was, however, a little reassuring that my boss told me that if I left school she would hire me next year immediately. Maybe it's the mental illness fogging my vision. As I've said before, I know mental illnesses do not rub off. But that's not what it tells me.

Speaking of mental illness, I'm going to write a med update soon. So, stay tuned.

Mini Update

I am working on my next post, but my computer has decided that it a. only wants to do one thing at a time and b. has windows movie maker installed enough not to be able to install it, but not installed enough to work.

Having a computer that will only do one thing at a time is exhausting. My brain tries to do forty things at a time. And my computer is acting like it's from the 90s.

Also, I keep uninstalling and reinstalling movie maker. Or trying to anyways. It says it's not there - so I install it but it won't install because it is there. What even?

Technology. Basically, computers are a pain. Except I like them a lot. But only when they work. I will try to post later today. It really depends on how well my computer is behaving.

But the main reason for this update is: you may have noticed a few small changes.  I have created a Facebook page. It's not very extensive yet, but it's a work in progress. I don't know why we are all so driven by popularity, but we are. And I am no different. Therefore, I would really appreciate if you stroked my ego and stopped by to liked my page. Also, Google's AdSense approved me. Which I am very excited about. The first several times I applied, I was denied.

Hopefully, I'll have another update by the end of the day. Stay tuned by liking me on Facebook.

Small Update

First of all, I stumbled across a wonderful blog entry by Bobbi Logie that made me laugh and laugh. I highly recommend checking it out if you have a dark sense of humor (as I do). There are some serious parts, but as I've learned, the easiest way to talk about serious/hard topics is by turning them into something you can laugh about.
My therapist and I do this all the time and then it's like "wait... we're laughing about what? that's so bad." But it's just funny. For example, on my birthday we spent the entire session talking about death. Is that not funny or what? Okay, maybe you need trench humor. I think it's funny. And that's really all that matters.

I also want to share that I am going to San Diego for a week! My sisters lost my dad's $500 camera at the airport (they were fighting about who was going to carry it... a small camera... a real burden) and my ($20) camera's in Columbia, but if I manage to take any good phone pictures (oxymoron, I know) I will share them. I'll also try and keep a list of all the interesting/funny things that happen and share them when I get back.
Unless nothing funny happens.
In which case I won't.

And I promise I will post the second part of this post soon.
Probably while I am in San Diego.
I might even add a bonus drawing.
Until then....