tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89093306965000154962024-03-13T11:25:33.497-04:00Cassandra's CurseExcept without the mythology. And the beauty. Everything else though....Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-218266732249196042018-05-12T14:08:00.000-04:002018-05-12T14:08:00.194-04:00I'm Back For TodayHello,<br />
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I never feel like I have much to say. I'm waiting on an MRI to find out if the bones in my hand are going necrotic. My mood is dipping again. I've been keeping track of habits on my phone and maybe it would be good for me to include blogging as one of them.<br />
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I still work in the pharmacy and for some reason everyone thinks like everything about my life is this hysterical joke. And it's like um I don't think that's funny? Then they say I'm funny especially because I don't realize how funny I am. I'm like this huge joke. They've also said they would read my blog. But I kind of hope they don't because I'd rather just be funny to them and not the dark stuff too.<br />
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That's about all the energy I have for today. I may or may not write again soon.Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-27175168959901117602017-08-11T09:11:00.000-04:002017-08-11T09:11:42.844-04:00I'm AliveHey guys, I know it's been a little over a year now since I last posted, but the idea just crossed my head, so let's see how it goes.<br />
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Yesterday I had my follow up appointment to my sleep study. The study was horrible, by the way. First they make you sleep all covered in bands and wires and a thing in your nose, then they wake you up at the crack of dawn, well, before the crack of dawn actually, and they tell you you can't sleep - which of course makes you want to sleep. Then, every two hours they tell you, okay, get some sleep. Sleeping is easier this time because there's not a sensor in your nose. But then comes the worst part, they wake you up and tell you you can't sleep anymore. Five of these little naps you take. As you get more and more sleepy and it's just awful. Or maybe that's just me. While it took me some time to fall asleep during the night, apparently during the day it was a different story. Apparently I fell asleep in, on average, three minutes six seconds on all five naps. The doctor explained that although it was not true narcolepsy because I did not go into REM sleep during the naps, it is treated the same way.<br />
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Remember back my sophomore year of college when I had to drop out of school because I couldn't stop sleeping? Well I guess we know why now. Idiopathic hypersomnia. So sleepy.<br />
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I've also been having some issues with chronic pain. From what I've heard exercise is super good for it. Which is great because it's so hard to do anything when a. I'm always exhausted and b. my work doesn't even have chairs, it's all standing. (Aside, I work as a pharmacy technician now, counting pills, fitting right?) I'm struggling to figure out a plan I can actually follow through with. Even if I try using an app or keeping track on my phone, I'm just too tired to care. Any suggestions?<br />
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That's me in a nutshell exhausted and in pain. What about you all? How have you been this past year?<br />
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<img alt="Image result for i'm alive meme" class="irc_mi" height="474" src="https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/achille12345/images/c/c5/Resized_procrastination-panda-meme-generator-i-m-alive-awake-alert-enthusiastic-ce3c1e.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20141012064654" style="margin-top: 0px;" width="634" />Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-12576785204924852002016-08-06T16:06:00.000-04:002016-08-06T16:06:22.200-04:00Accidentally Graduating Hi, so, I'm back for now. I haven't forgotten this blog, but I haven't posted since January either. So much has happened since then. I moved back in with my mom due to... well a lot of reasons. My cat was really sick (she got better as soon as I moved), and my parents were worried about me. I've also been struggling financially. After I was in the hospital in January my job stopped giving me hours. Like I came to them the day I got out and gave them my letter that I was okay to start working again. They put me on the schedule once about a month after I got out (probably so they can pretend it wasn't related to being in the hospital), but I haven't had hours once since then and I stopped getting emails telling me that I'm not on the schedule.<br />
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After that I looked for a job for awhile, I didn't even get any interviews. I could only apply to places I could walk to, but even the grocery stores and the bowling alley didn't call me back. During that time I was studying for the MCAT. I stopped when I came back to my mom's house because my baby sister was graduating high school. I was going to pick it back up when I got back to my house but that's when my cat got sick, my mom got worried, I came home, and my cat got better. She hadn't been eating or drinking but the day after I came back she was drinking a lot and her weird hiccup thing almost went away completely. However, I never really went back to studying.<br />
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I've been doing some acrobatics with my school. In just four years with a summer my attempted credits are up to 193 (the equivalent of about 13 regular semesters). In order to get any financial aid that number has to remain below 180. So I had to do an appeal. I started by trying to get my advisor letter. I eventually had my letter and a supporting letter, but my advisor letter had not gone through. I'm still not so sure what happened there. Eventually I spoke with another advisor in the Dean's office and she advised me to graduate with a BA instead of BS. I was not the biggest fan of this. I only need one more class to graduate with a BS, and I wanted to take Organic Chemistry 2, too. However, I decided that it was in my best interest to graduate. It would save me trying to figure out many things before August 18th. So in my circumstance it would probably better this way. I still need to take Organic Chemistry 2, and because I will not be working towards a degree it will be very expensive. Also, because the college I live near now is much more expensive than the school I went to. Each credit you take here is almost $500. Organic Chemistry 2 is four credits. And there will also be lab fees, whatever other fees that school has, and then of course books, and maybe lab equipment. I have the last two for my former school but that kind of stuff varies from school to school, sometimes professor to professor. So, as long as tuition doesn't go up, which it will, it will be about $2500 plus books and supplies, out of pocket, also plus gas because it's sort of far. So I have to figure out when I want to take that and the MCAT so I can apply to programs next cycle.<br />
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Also, if anyone knows any medical field jobs in my area, let me know. I'm looking at a few things, but I'm open to suggestions. Preferably, I am looking for a longer term position because I should have at least two years before I go back to school full time.<br />
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So yeah. I sort of graduate today. Well, according to my advisor in the Dean's office. I'm still a little weary because I've only heard it from one person. I haven't been able to find anything online about it. And the Registrar's office told me to call my advisor in the Dean's office. But as far as I know I am graduating today. Yay?<br />
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As far as everything else goes, I am going to choose to opt out of saying anything about what is going on right now on the outside of me. However, as far as my mental health stuff, I'm doing really well. I'm not quite sure what happened, but since about February I'm better than I've ever been like ever. I know it was not my most recent hospitalization in January, because I came out of that worse than I went in. Which is pretty scary since I came in via stretcher via ambulance. I'm fine though. Everything was fine. My labs never dropped into scary level, and they were taken so much. I had so many holes in my arms and hands I don't think they could have found another place to draw blood. I was uncomfortable but always fine. Now if I hadn't had gone, that would have been a little different, but I did. I might have another post about that stay and I might not.<br />
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Basically, despite it all, I'm doing pretty good. As far as a diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I still have a few. But it's not like how it was all of the other years.<br />
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I'm not going to promise to write again soon, because maybe I will and maybe I won't. But I would like to know how you are doing. What have you been up to since January?Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-52516619390735586812016-01-07T11:55:00.002-05:002016-01-07T11:55:30.138-05:00Me #oneword2016One of my favorite bloggers (and writers... if you have not read <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/furiously-happy-jenny-lawson/1120919562?ean=9781250077004">Furiously Happy</a> you're doing something wrong) is The Bloggess. She wrote a post called <a href="http://thebloggess.com/2016/01/simple-oneword2016/">Simple #oneword2016</a>. And she asked us to pick one word for 2016. Her word was "simplify" simplified to "simple." The word I chose was "me."<br />
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Interesting choice of word, right? Maybe. I picked "me" because I know I need to focus more on myself than others right now. Being an empath, I spend a lot of time well... empathizing. And while this trait is good, especially in the helping field, which I want to go into, there is a point where it can be too much. Letting others' emotions get to you can be overwhelming. And I want to learn a healthy balance of empathy and selfishness...? Is that the opposite of empathy? I don't know. Close enough.<br />
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I also need to focus on myself and my recovery. I need to learn to do things I enjoy. I need to learn how to be content. And I need to learn, really learn, that <a href="http://thebloggess.com/category/depression-lies/" target="_blank">depression lies</a>. So many things I need to learn to recovery. And not just learn but know. Truly know.<br />
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Completely different update (what else is new, right?): As far as sleep goes... it's not. I'm still struggling to fall asleep. I asked my pdoc to change my meds again. Which is a little embarrassing since I saw him yesterday. But you know, we're all friend here... there. Hopefully I'll find something that'll help a little.<br />
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<b>What is your #oneword2016?</b></div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-21652931183791001122015-12-31T02:21:00.002-05:002015-12-31T02:21:32.727-05:00OopsiesIt's been a little while since I've posted. And by a little while I mean lots of months - almost five. Actually, believe it or not, a lot of things have happened and changed. I've been to the hospital... what? two more times? One was the emergency room, but they let me go, which I thought at the time was a mistake. The other time was for electroconvulsive shock therapy (ECT) - yes, they still do that. But more on that later (I promise). I'm almost done with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group, although my individual therapist wants me to go through it again. I went from sleeping more than my high school self would have ever thought possible (12+ hours a night and still feeling exhausted) to not being able to sleep again. Luckily, it's just the falling asleep part I'm struggling with. Once I get to sleep I can go back to sleep when I wake up. I keep planning on asking my pdoc about it, but I feel bad bothering him over break, so I keep skipping it. Also, it would involve me going on another medication, which, if you keep reading, you'll find is a thing we don't want. And well, a lot more has happened, really.<br />
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I know what you really want to hear about is the ECT, but you have to wait for that. Instead I'll do a boring yearly blog recap. Although, if you want my honest opinion on New Year's stuff, I suggest you read the post I wrote a few years ago entitled "<a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/12/you-say-you-want-resolution.html" target="_blank">You Say You Want A Resolution...</a>" because that's still true. However, if you would like to answer the question at the bottom of that post: <b><a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/12/you-say-you-want-resolution.html" target="_blank">What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW?</a> </b>please comment on THIS post and not that post.<br />
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This year's blog recap is pretty simple since I had so few posts.<br />
Here is the top post of each month:<br />
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April: <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/04/couch-to-10k.html" target="_blank">Couch to 10k?</a><br />
June: <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/06/everything-is-different-second-time.html" target="_blank">"Everything is Different the Second Time Around"</a><br />
July: <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/07/a-thread.html" target="_blank">a thread</a><br />
August: <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/08/guest-post.html" target="_blank">Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)</a><br />
December: <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/12/oopsies.html" target="_blank">Oopsies</a><br />
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Other updates to my past posts of this year,<br />
<a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/04/couch-to-10k.html" target="_blank">Couch to 10k?</a> and <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/08/so-i-guess-its-time-to-come-out.html" target="_blank">So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?</a> I did stop the couch to 10k program again. At the beginning of the semester I was taking 22 hours (to drop down to 11 later). And at one point I was walking home from campus every night of the week. It was too much for me, so I stopped. And I never started back up.<br />
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<a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/07/school-and-mental-illness.html" target="_blank">School and Mental Illness</a> I ended up dropping Organic Chemistry, but ended up getting the only perfect score on the final in the class I was doing well in. And I did make an A in the class.<br />
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Sadly, the picture in <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/07/a-thread.html" target="_blank">a thread</a> is still how I feel - even after all the DBT and the post <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/07/starting-dbt-and-hope.html" target="_blank">Starting DBT and Hope</a>, hope is still a think I lack.<br />
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And, as far as meds go, I am doing a med wash - gradually stopping all my meds. This is because they don't seem to be working. Which of course gives me SO much hope since the ECT didn't work. But, that's for another post. Or maybe not. Follow my med wash on my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">My Med Story</a> post.<br />
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I think that's all I want to say for now. But tune in soon for more.<br />
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And I ask again: <b>What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW?</b><br />
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And/or: <b>It's been awhile - how have you been doing?</b></div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-11471825366697849212015-08-12T10:47:00.000-04:002015-08-12T10:58:25.492-04:00Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)Hi guys,<br />
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So I wrote a guest post for Hannah, who is currently a medical student and who has a fantabulous lifestyle blog about mental illness and fashion. You should really check out her blog <a href="http://pull-yourself-together.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Pull Yourself Together</a>. She has some really great posts about her experiences of mental illness.<br />
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She asked for guest bloggers on Twitter and I responded. She helped me come up with the topic of writing about my experience in partial hospitalization (PHP).<br />
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You can read the post by clicking the link below and going to her blog.<br />
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<a href="http://pull-yourself-together.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/guest-post-partial-hospitalization.html">http://pull-yourself-together.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/guest-post-partial-hospitalization.html</a><br />
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You can also follow her on <a href="https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/pull-yourself-together-12649703" target="_blank">Bloglovin'</a>, <a href="https://plus.google.com/u/0/+HannahV19/posts" target="_blank">Google+</a>, <a href="https://instagram.com/hannahev19/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/hannahvenables1/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a>, and <a href="https://twitter.com/hannahev19" target="_blank">Twitter</a>. Or, all of the above.Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-36771384902017218592015-08-02T12:07:00.000-04:002015-08-02T12:07:11.281-04:00So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?See, I feel like coming out is not for me. I feel like gays and lesbiens come out. Transgender people come out. Genderfluid people come out. Bisexuals come out. Even pansexuals. But asexuals? We don't need to come out. Do we? We're the crazy (especially in my case) cat ladies. And we know it.<br />
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Why would we need to come out? We simply are not attracted to anyone.<br />
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And yet here I am. Coming out as an aromantic asexual.<br />
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For those of you who don't know what that means -- it means that I have no sexual attraction to anyone. It is the lack of a sexuality, It is different from absence or celibacy. Which are a choice. Being an asexual is not a choice just like being herosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and all of the other sexuals that I haven't mentioned. Aromantic means that I have no I have no romantic attraction to others as well. There are romantic x-sexuals and there are aromantic asexuals. It means I do not have an emotional need to be with someone else. That is not to say I don't have the desire to be friends with other people. I do. A lot. But that is different.<br />
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Courtney from <a href="http://courtneysvoice.com/" target="_blank">Courtney's Voice</a> has a <a href="http://courtneysvoice.com/2015/07/16/lgbtq-question-answer/" target="_blank">great post on the difference between romantic and sexual orientation</a> if I didn't do it justice.<br />
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I've never had a crush. Not once. One time I thought I had a crush (on my AP Music Theory teacher no less!), but then after I was told what a crush really felt like, I realized it was a friend crush. Which I do get. I define a friend crush as wanting to be friends with someone. I do miss him. Maybe I'll see if he remembers me and wants to get coffee sometime.<br />
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Now many people think that this means I do not have the capacity to love. This is absolutely incorrect. I love a lot of people, even though I have a thing about saying the word love. I can't even say "love you" to my parents on the phone. I just sit there in silence awkwardly. But I think that has to do with mental illness. However, my love is always platonic. The way you love your parents, or your siblings, or your friends (unless of course you're Oedipus or Jaime and Cersei).<br />
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I haven't come out come out to my parents. I've told them that they probably won't get any biological grandchildren from me (which they want). And I've told them that I'm not going to fall in love. But they're insistent that I just haven't met the right guy yet. And maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm not asexual. But until that day comes I'm going to continue to identify as being asexual.<br />
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Update:<br />
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I did start a <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">new medication</a>. And after an episode I am definitely off the stimulant I was on before, but so far the new medication seems to be working alright.<br />
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I'm halfway through week three (of fifteen) of <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/04/couch-to-10k.html" target="_blank">couch to 10k</a>. I know I started it a long time ago, but I took a break after my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/06/everything-is-different-second-time.html" target="_blank">trip to the hospital</a>. And didn't start back up until two and a half weeks ago.<br />
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Um, I can't think of anything else to update on. It's been three full months since I've been to the hospital. Go me.</div>
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Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-32927583857252628842015-07-22T21:24:00.000-04:002015-07-22T22:15:40.218-04:00Starting DBT and Hope<div dir="ltr">
Note: I wrote the first part of this two days ago. And then I changed the dates. And I don't want to change them again. Sooo.</div>
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Yesterday I started real DBT. I've been seeing the <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/06/everything-is-different-second-time.html">DBT counselor</a> for awhile, but I started group yesterday. In order to start group, to officially start DBT I had to make a big commitment. Actually I had to agree to three things. I don't remember the second two. But, they were like use skills or call him if I have a crisis or something like that. Like I said I don't remember them at all. But the first stipulation was that I wouldn't kill myself for a year. At first he said six months, (My treatment plan is to stay in this therapy for either six months or a year. And if I have no results we would discuss changing therapies - they would refer me out since they're DBT specialists. Although if I go to grad school on the <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/p/25-by-25.html">West Coast</a> I don't know what they'll/I'll do. I'm terrified. I digress.) but then he said if I did it January 21st he'd feel "really shitty," so he made it a year. I said, finally, "I guess," to the stipulations. Making a pact not to kill myself. It was a very hard thing to agree to do. It's so far in the future. But he said as long as I couldn't promise it, I couldn't do group and continue therapy with them any further. Since the counseling center won't take me back, I'd have to go to <a href="http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/camhc/services/richland_adult.html">Columbia Area Mental Health Center</a> which is not the best place to go, and I would have to walk a lot further to get there. So I agreed. So you guys are with me for at least another year. (I know that's over the top - you guys adore me.)</div>
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My first group, well, it was difficult. I had a panic attack right away. And I don't really remember what happened. I know we talked about the wise mind. Which I had drilled into me every day at the <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/06/everything-is-different-second-time.html" target="_blank">hospital and PHP</a>. I do remember my homework which was to observe, describe, and participate. And I've already done all those things. So I guess I didn't really procrastinate on it? I didn't fill out the worksheets, but I don't have to I don't think. I just have to talk about it for three minutes. And I wrote it out basically what I'm going to say. So that helps.<br />
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In other news. I've decided what I want to do when I "grow up!" I want to go into clinical neuropsychopharmacology. What is that you ask? Well, break it down. "Clinical" I want to be with people and prescribe medication. "Neuro" the brain. "Psycho" mental illness. "Pharmacology" medicine. I want to know what medicine does in the brain and prescribe medicine to people with mental illnesses. Or, for more information go to the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuropsychopharmacology" target="_blank">neuropsychopharmacology wikipedia</a> page. Here's a YouTube clip from a musical called "Next to Normal" which is about the family dynamics with a mom who has bipolar disorder. The song is called "Who's Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I." I recommend the song. It's one of my favorite song from "Next to Normal" which if you haven't seen, you should.<br />
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hopefully I'll have people feeling better than this</div>
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Also, I've been taking an over the counter <strike>diet pill</strike> stimulant, which has helped my ideation immensely. So next week we're going to tweak my medications again and see what happens. I actually have hope that this is going to work. And my psychiatrist and I are going to pretend I didn't recommend this two winters ago if it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. What do I have to lose? But I have my life to gain.<br />
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I know that last post was dark and might have scared a few of you. Well, due to the stimulant I'm feeling much better than that now. And like I said, I actually have hope. Those of you who have known me a while know that I don't hope. I don't have hope. But right now I do. And it's amazing.<br />
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I'll let you know how next group goes next week. I might also wait until I get on the actual medication so I can report. So expect a post Fridayish? Except I have a few posts I've written that I've been waiting to post so I might post one of those in between. Anyways, sorry, I'm rambling.<br />
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What's your medication story? <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">Here's mine</a>. I've updated today it say dosages. If you have any questions about any psych medication I'm good at those too. Ask away!</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-3671447640723783842015-07-18T15:45:00.000-04:002015-07-18T20:10:28.845-04:00a threadThis post is more depressing and definitely more raw than my other posts. I've been feeling not so great so here it is (trigger warning):<br />
<br />
a thread<br />
<br />
i stand upon a thread<br />
stretched like a tightrope<br />
waiting for it to break<br />
or for me to slip and fall<br />
down<br />
down<br />
down<br />
<br />
most are hanging by a thread<br />
waiting for it to snap<br />
i stand on it<br />
waiting for it to break<br />
<br />
except i find<br />
that it has already broken<br />
and i am free falling<br />
down<br />
down<br />
down<br />
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will something catch me?<br />
or will i fall to my death?<br />
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<br />Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-71289016379743921432015-07-13T19:57:00.001-04:002015-07-13T19:57:11.112-04:00School and Mental IllnessLet's just say it's not a happy combination.<br />
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Today, while I was having a panic attack, for reasons still unknown to me, the teacher had me come up in front of the class with my "lesbian partner" (we have family groups in my family counseling class) and have a therapy session with him. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I hadn't been paying attention in class due to the crying and panic. And, actually, I've never paid much attention in class anyways. We had our session. I let her (my lesbian partner) answer most of the questions. I just sort of nodded along. I'm not on currently any fast acting anxiety medications. Instead I'm on a long lasting anti-anxiety medication twice a day. For a list of what I'm currently taking check out this <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">post</a>. However that doesn't help when I feel like I'm about to throw up, and I'm having a panic attack.<br />
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The worst thing was that the professor knew what was going on. He could see it. He's a counselor himself. He could see me mostly successfully holding back tears, but not completely. He could see the panic in my eyes when I looked at him. The tapping of my foot. But he asked me to do it anyways. I understand that it was in the lesson plan, but still.<br />
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Another class I'm taking is Organic Chemistry Two. How's that going? Not well. I got a 30% on my first exam. I've decided to drop the class and take a W (withdraw). But I haven't done it yet, I'm kind of scared to. Also, I feel like a failure doing it. Because I know I can do it. I know I can. I do. If I put in the time. And I just can't seem to do that. Therefore, I can't do the class. I spend too much of my time sleeping and recovering and doing nothing.</div>
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My third class is going really well. My professor today told me I made the highest grade in the class on our first exam (a 93%). When I first saw the grade I was disappointed. I thought I could do better. But after finding out it was the highest grade in the class I felt much better. Also, he said there is a very good chance I can do research with him in the fall. Which is exciting because he's a neuroscientist. And working in a neuroscience lab and getting a letter of recommendation from a neuroscience professor is good when applying to PhD programs for neuroscience. As long as I don't have to sacrifice anything. I absolutely refuse to do that. Point blank refuse.</div>
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My last two summer classes were Cellular and Molecular Biology and Young Adult Literature which went alright. I got an A in YA Lit and a C in Cellular and Molecular Biology. Which I'm content with. Although I really wanted a B in Cellular and Molecular Biology. As part of YA Lit I wrote two chapters set in the psychiatric emergency room and the children's psychiatric ward, if any of you want to read it. Just send me an email ats cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com or comment below. At this time I do not plan on writing any more of it.</div>
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Also, while on the topic of mental illness and school, as many of you know Spring of 2014, I took a medical withdraw. I don't know if I mentioned it in post about it or not. I don't remember. But that was also due to mental illness. So yay mental illness and school. I was unable to attend classes. And couldn't be in Columbia. I needed to be in Charleston. Although, it is interesting that I made it through school last semester (with my best GPA to date!) while missing four non-consecutive weeks of classes due to <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2015/06/everything-is-different-second-time.html" target="_blank">being in the mental hospital three times plus partial hospitalization</a>.</div>
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Are any of you taking summer classes? If so how are they going? How has mental illness affected your school/work/etc. experience?</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-68317761341222607182015-06-26T16:01:00.000-04:002015-06-26T16:01:30.690-04:00"Everything is Different the Second Time Around"<div dir="ltr">
I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to say in this post. I, for the most part, know who reads this and most of you I don't mind you knowing this. I'm still hesitant though. But, I know that this is related to <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-stigma.html">stigma</a>, and I shouldn't be ashamed of what's going on. As you probably all know, or have figured out I have depression. Pretty severe depression. I have moderate to severe persistent depressive disorder, recurrent severe major depressive disorder, and anxiety disorder unspecified. While that's only three diagnoses, it can be a lot to handle. Despite it all, I am grateful that I do not have it worse.<br />
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So, here's what you probably don't know. I've been to a psych ward. I've been in the psych ward a lot this year. Why this year and not before? I couldn't tell you. Maybe I'm getting worse. Maybe I'm accepting that I need help. Maybe I could have ridden it out, like I've always done before, but maybe not. Maybe going in saved my life, or at least a trip or two to the ICU. I don't know. It's hard to say for sure.<br />
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I call them part one, part two, and part three. And I might write more about them later. I spent half of February in the psych ward, on two separate occasions. I spent half of March in partial hospitalization, and I spent a week in April in the hospital again. In part three we joked a lot about how I should write a book. After all <i>It's Kind of a Funny Story</i> was written after a much shorter hospital stay. And I have way more experience than that.<br />
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The worst part is, my treatment team is not sure what to do with me anymore. I mean they weren't sure what to do with me before I went in all those times, but they thought we could work something out. But now the counseling center at my school says it's unethical to treat me. Because after all I've been through clearly they're not helping. I offered to switch to a new therapist at the counseling center but they say it's not enough. They don't think their level of care is good enough for me because of the hospitalizations and partial hospitalization.<br />
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I have started therapy with a new person. He, I guess, is more qualified. He specifically does DBT, dialectal behavioral therapy. I've seen him several times, and I do like him. I guess this therapy is replacing therapy at the counseling center. All I ask is that I can continue to see my psychiatrist, who I adore. In a few weeks I'm going to start a DBT group for two hours per week. I'm pretty nervous about that, but talking in groups is getting easier for me. And later this summer I'm taking a public communication class. Which just thinking about speeds up my heart and makes me want to cry. But as strange as it sounds (to me at least) I am getting better. I'm sure it's all the talking, not only in therapy, but in the groups in the hospital and partial. This has changed since I've written it. Like I said, I've been sitting on this post for months and months. I'm now taking organic chemistry two instead of public communication. But, I still have to take public communication eventually, so I decided to leave that in.<br />
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The title of this post comes from the song "You've Got Time" by Regina Spektor. It is, as many of you probably know, the theme song from Orange is the New Black. Which I watch. Just like everyone else who has Netflix and is (hopefully) above 18, which I'm sure stops no one. Despite the triggers it brings up in me, I pushed through it.<br />
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I chose that song quote because it accurately sums up my hospital experience. It really is "different" the second time around, especially for me. Part two I even made a friend. Who I still talk to a lot. Part three they called me the welcoming committee. And I wish I could know how my fellow psych patients are doing. I've talked to one person once from part three since I got out.<br />
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My dad said it must have been easy to talk to everyone because I felt better than them. My parents know about part three, and ONLY part three and partial, because of insurance reasons. But I told him we were all there for a reason. And I didn't feel better than anyone. And I really didn't. How could I? He then asked my reason and I replied to change meds, which is my story that I'm telling to my parents. And he was like why? And I said because I wasn't doing well. And he asked if I had bad thoughts. And I said yes. So he at least knows that. I hope my parents never find out how close I've been so many times - even this past weekend I had to lock myself out of my room. But as they said in part two "it is what it is." They even had a huge sign that said it in the group room.<br />
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Another thing has happened too. This is not something we want to be spread around. So if you know me in real life, please don't tell anyone you know. It is only half my business. My dad left my mom. That's right. My dad left my mom. It is a big shock because they weren't fighting or anything. He told us he's leaving because he wants a romantic relationship, something he and my mom were lacking. My baby sisters have seen him once this week. It's been really hard for all of us.<br />
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I'm not sure if I have anything else to say right now. I think I'm going to finally publish this post. I'm open to any questions you have about the hospital visits or my parents or anything else. If you have them leave a comment or email me at cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com. If you get this in an email, just a reminder, do not reply to that email, because I will not receive it. I know a few of you need this reminder. Anyways, as always, thanks for reading.</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-53717113602829983722015-04-11T21:40:00.000-04:002015-04-12T19:45:40.740-04:00Couch to 10k?So, I'm sort of jumping the gun a little bit on this one. And by sort of I mean a lot. And by a lot I mean this massive amount that I can't even put into words.<br />
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As you know, I'm not very consistent. I start projects and don't finish them. I set <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/11/goals.html" target="_blank">goals</a> and don't really meet them. I mean if I set my mind to it I usually do. When I was at PHP we set a goal every day and I usually made them. Of course those were very small S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) goals. My goals are like huge mostly unreasonable goals. I just went over them again and they are very unmanageable not S.M.A.R.T. at all.<br />
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Anyways, there's a program called <a href="http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml" target="_blank">couch to 5k</a>. It's basically for beginners, lazy people, or couch potatoes (like me) who want to start running. It's a nine week program, three days a week, where you start slow and gradually get up to running for 30 minutes at a time. I think it's a bit misleading since most people do it by time and not distance. So you can run for 30 minutes and still not have run a 5k, depending on how fast you go.<br />
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Now you might remember from my post about <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-stigma.html" target="_blank">stigma</a> that I started running. That lasted up until I wrote the post. Then I stopped. Fastforward a long time in the future, I used the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.sixtostart.zombies5k&hl=en" target="_blank">Zombies, Run! 5k Training</a> app for five whole weeks before stopping. Which I don't think I mentioned. I stopped in December.<br />
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Now, I'm starting again. And by starting again I mean I've done it one day. This is what I mean by jumping the gun. This time I'm using the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.c10kforpink&hl=en" target="_blank">10k Trainer Free</a> app. Because one of my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/p/25-by-25.html" target="_blank">25 by 25 goals</a> is to run a 10k. Which I now wish was a 5k. This app goes from nothing to running a 10k in 14 weeks. Which I do realize is like a monstrous commitment. And by nothing I mean alternating jogging for a minute and walking for a minute and a half. I'm hoping that by talking about it here, I might keep it up for a change. Although that hasn't seemed to work in the past. I just don't hold myself accountable for anything. I like this program better than the Zombies, Run! 5k program because that program has "free-form runs" which means run or walk. I like having more structure than that.<br />
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So, how did it go? Pretty well. I was able to keep up at a 3.7mph walking pace and a 4.9mph running pace with in incline of 1.0. Of course running 5.0mph for 30 minutes is not a 5k. But I figured I'd work on speed later. I could probably go a little faster if I wasn't on the treadmill, but I've seen multiple people get hurt by going too fast or slipping off. And that is not on my list of things to do. Also, my shoes suck. So, I should probably change that. I just don't want to invest in running shoes if I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know if I'm going to keep doing it. Even though I realize that it could help. Although, with me, I doubt it. Also I need money for tuition this summer.<br />
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That's another thing I'm doing. Summer school. For June and July. My parents aren't too happy about it, but it gives me space to do research in my schedule. If I can find someone who will take me anyways. I was/am in contact with one professor, but he needed/needs someone who can code a test for him. While I have coding in my background (why he was interested in me) what he wants me to do is out of my scope. If I take four classes this summer, I can take fifteen hours each of my last semesters which leaves three for research. I need to do research for my minor, so I can get into grad school, and so I can get another letter of recommendation.<br />
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I know this post is a little jumpy. But my attention is just not here there or anywhere. I guess it's not usually, but today especially. Also, over and over I'd think something, not write it down, and then keep writing. I read it over, but you might have to fill in some blanks.Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-33739170382286662712015-04-04T15:48:00.001-04:002015-04-04T15:48:37.435-04:00Brief Life UpdateHey guys!<br />
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Actually I'm not sure if anyone will see this, but hi anyways.<br />
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How have I been doing? Well, bad and good.<br />
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Let's just say February was not so great. If you want the gritty details, email me (cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com), leave a comment, message me on Tumblr, Twitter, etc. I'll eventually get back to you. I might post more about this later. I don't mind talking about it, I'm just not sure I want to put the information on Facebook just yet (read: there's a person or two who's probably not reading this anyways, but just in case they happen to click on the link I don't want to say who those people are or what I don't want them to know).<br />
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The good part? I think we might have finally gotten my meds right, or at least better. Because , I've been doing really well. Like really well. Like never in my memory have I have done as well as I'm doing right now. Not even once. My therapist accredits this to the mass amounts of group and therapy I've gotten at the end of February/beginning of March, but I'm sure it's the medication. Oh! Also, I found out through some blood work done that my vitamin D was low. And I've started taking a supplement for that, as well. So that could be part of it too. Which it is exactly, I may never know. And honestly, while it's helping, I don't really care.Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-29353216691667144742014-11-20T14:53:00.000-05:002014-11-20T14:53:03.306-05:00More Lab Shenanigans<div dir="ltr">
So of course the last organic chemistry lab has to be more eventful. Because it's the last lab.</div>
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First of all, our TA tells us it's going to be "by far" the longest lab. Why? <i>Why</i><i>?</i> would they make the last lab the longest? That's just a bad idea right there.</div>
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At least our quiz wasn't bad. If I had been studying instead of on Twitter right before it I could have made a 100%.</div>
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So we get into lab and at first it's uneventful. We're supposed to work by ourselves but since we had a group lab we got spoiled and have worked in groups since. Working with someone always makes the lab better.</div>
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The first incident (yes, of many) happened after we let the solution reflux (see picture below) for 30 minutes. One of my lab partners didn't know the water was still on when she disconnected the top (water out) hose. Water. Went. Everywhere. Including soaking my lab book. It was hysterical. That's the sort of thing that's only funny when you're in a group and another group sees. It's not all that funny when you're not in a group because it's happening to you. But in a group when another group sees? The other group cracks up. And then you realize how funny it is. So then you laugh too. And that's why working in groups is awesome.<br />
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Sounds sort of like what happened <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/02/i-can-do-anything.html" target="_blank">last year</a>, right?</div>
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<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/51/Reflux_labled.svg/668px-Reflux_labled.svg.png" height="200" width="130" /></div>
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The next incident was probably the best. The group next to mine had just mixed ether into their solution (product is CO2), when they turned their separatory funnel (it's like a big glass tube that you mix stuff in and then can take layers out of the bottom with) upside down. Now, when you first add the stuff together you have to vent the funnel A LOT. Because the product is CO2. So, when they turned their funnel upside down enough CO2 was in the bottle to either break it or have the cap explode off. Luckily, it did not break. But the girl holding it got covered in solution. And the rest of her lab partners too. The best part about this one is that I just stood and watched. I watched them add the solutions together. Watched as she immediately turned the funnel upside down. Watched as substance came, no, exploded out and went everywhere. The TA happened to be walking behind them while we were staring at the aftermath. She stopped and stared. No one said anything. We just looked at the toxic substance covering the girl and the floor. It was like the world had hit a pause button. It was dead silent. Then, suddenly, everyone came back to life. I helped grab paper towels and left them to clean up the mess.<br />
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The final incident happened while I was writing up my lab report. I heard a crash. I turned around and our product was on the floor. Of course it was. Along with a (not broken!) glass flask. I still had my gloves on so I went to clean it up. Because I'm awesome. I pick up the flask and say "AHH that's hot!!" And almost drop it. But. Because I'm awesome. I managed to make it to the lab bench before letting it hit the ground again. My lab partners looked at me like "no shit it's hot," when I realized what must have happened. One of my lab partners must have picked up the flask right out of the variac (heating device... they don't want us using flames. I see why now.) and dropped it because it was hot. Our TA didn't really notice our screw up. So we didn't really point it out to her.<br />
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But the thing that phased us the most in lab? Finding out we only had to go to step 8. After we were on step 10. Finding out that the only number we needed was the initial amount of product given. The amount they told us to use. All that work, and to finish the lab we literally just needed to copy down how many grams it said to use. Sigh.<br />
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But. I have a 98 in lab right now. So, I guess that's the important thing.</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-25409176527320403822014-11-11T19:32:00.002-05:002014-11-11T19:32:44.540-05:0020 Writing Tips to Kick Ass at NaNoWriMo<div dir="ltr">
Not to brag or anything, but I've done (and won) NaNoWriMo a few times. I don't usually do lists, but you know what? I'm doing one now.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I2EQYLZiNO8/VGKliC0W9HI/AAAAAAAAAnk/7x57nCA5Zlo/s1600/20%2BWriting%2BTips.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I2EQYLZiNO8/VGKliC0W9HI/AAAAAAAAAnk/7x57nCA5Zlo/s400/20%2BWriting%2BTips.png" width="340" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't let the picture deter you.... Let it entice you.</td></tr>
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20. Turn off Your Cell Phone<br />
And close all social media sites. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, you name it, get rid of it! It helps a lot if you have to type in the website URL, as opposed to just clicking on the tab that's already open. I'm super guilty of not doing this. Right now I have all of the things listed above open. And I keep clicking on them instead of writing! Do yourself a favor.</div>
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19. Same Place Same Time<br />
Patterns are important. If you're disciplined enough to sit down at the same time every day and write -- excellent! A lot, if not most, published writers do this. This is not me. I wrote a children's story which I'm working on getting published in organic chemistry. But if you sit at the same place at the same time every day and write your brain will start wanting to do that. Which is the goal. Do it. Ideally during when you are most productive. Unless your most productive hours are needed for something else. That's okay too.</div>
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18. Write Every Day<br />
Even if it's only a sentence. That keeps the habit going. If you skip days you lose steam. Which I am very guilty of doing. Oops. It might not be 1,667 words, but just because you know you won't meet that goal for the day does not mean that you shouldn't write at all.</div>
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17. Show Don't Tell</div>
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This is just good writing. But guess what? Extra bonus. It gives you more words. For example: "She drove to work." "She breathed a sigh of relief when she got to work because, finally, she could get away from the skunk smell that had plagued her on the freeway." Which one sounds better? Neither? You get my point. I'm trying to do a lot of things at once. Bear with me.</div>
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16. If You Get an Idea Write (Type) it Down<br />
Yes, it counts towards your word count. Yes, you will forget the idea if you don't write it down that second (unless you have a freakishly good memory).</div>
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15. <a href="http://writeordie.com/" target="_blank">Write or Die</a></div>
Is a fun free website that helps keep you on task. I don't usually use it, but it's helped me when I get stuck. It's easy to cheat, but that's not the point. The point is to write.<br />
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14. Read the Pep Talks<br />
They're by authors. Authors write. Authors have been in your shoes. They usually (sometimes) know what they're talking about.</div>
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13. Stop Checking Your Word Count<br />
Make a goal to check it once every page, half page, or three pages instead of every sentence. It will make the writing A. seem to go faster and B. actually go faster.</div>
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12. Chocolate, Coffee, and Peeing<br />
Reward yourself every 100, 250, 500, 1,000 words with chocolate, vodka gummy bears, skittles, whatever you like. It will keep you wanting to write more. Reward yourself! You're doing work. You deserve it. Coffee, because sometimes you get inspired at 2 am and need to pull an all-nighter. And peeing (because you'll need to with all the coffee). Except the opposite of chocolate. If you don't let yourself pee until you hit 15,000 words -- you write those 15,000 words. Note: please make your goals attainable. If you're not peeing until you hit X number of words, be kind. Choose a goal that is less than 1,000 words away. I usually withhold peeing until I A. finish the 1,000 words I'm on or B. finish the page. Please don't make yourself write 5,000 words before you pee.</div>
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11. Don't Stress (Too Much)<br />
If you're like me, you probably won't get 1,667 words a day. And that's okay. Right now I'm woefully behind. Am I worried? No! (Okay, I'm a little worried. Actually I'm a lot worried, I'm about 12,000 words behind.) But I've written 10,000 words in a day before. I can really catch up this weekend. And you can too! And if you can't? It's okay. At least you have more story than you would have had otherwise. And that's the important part.</div>
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10. No Plot? No Problem!<br />
Like I <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/11/yallfest-where-all-cool-authors-are_8.html" target="_blank">shared before</a>, I am a pantser. I suck at plot. I mean I really suck. I like characters. Plot is just... not me. So I don't try to plot. I write and when the plot happens it happens. So don't worry if you don't have a plot. One of the NaNos I did I didn't come up with a plot until the last day I wrote. And that's okay. But some people need plot. That strange breed of plotters need their outlines. If you're a plotter, plot! The writing will go easier for you knowing exactly where you're going.</div>
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9. Take Care of Yourself</div>
I know. A little ironic coming from me. But it is important. Self-care is important. Do it. Even if it means dropping out. Whhat? You can't say that on a tips for NaNoWriMo post! The hell I can. The year I didn't win, I dropped out because self-care was and <i>is</i> more important than finishing NaNo. And I don't regret it. Your story ends. November ends. Your life does not. You can finish or not. But you have to live on. And live with yourself and what you've done with yourself during November. Take care of yourself. Please.<br />
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8. Don't Edit<br />
And I mean this in two ways. Don't go back and edit (see tip four). And, don't edit at all. I don't personally do this because red lines bother me (I know I can turn them off) and because I just don't, but YOU can! Don't even worry about spelling! Don't even read what you write! Make the percentage in Word 30% or less and write. That way you can't go back and edit each sentence. Or change the font to a size four and write that way. That way you couldn't go back and edit if you tried. Or, by accident anyways. Obviously, if you tried hard enough you could edit, but don't!</div>
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7. Cheat!<br />
I read No Plot? No Problem! too long ago to remember much. But I remember a few dirty tricks for getting your word count up. Desperate for more words? Use other things you've written this month (if you wrote it this month you don't have to feel guilty) and incorporate it in somehow. For example my senior year of high school my character read bits of someone's thesis -- my thesis. I had her advise a younger character on her thesis so I could add in chunks of other things I'd written that month. Other tips? Don't use contractions. Use characters' full names each time you mention them. And swear. What? Swear? If you have a character who swears a lot that's extra words. And. It's character development. So what? Your character likes to swear. Maybe have a different character who is offended by swearing. Then, after each swear that character can be annoyed which is -- you guessed it -- more words. Or, bonus cheating method, have a character that is hard of hearing and repeat stuff. Yes, it's cheating. But, it's also character development. So it counts. Some of these don't sound like they would help much, but every word counts. And you're writing it, and it's part of your story. So. It. Counts.</div>
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6. Get to Know Your Characters<br />
I may be biased because I love characters (I even wrote a 50 page thesis on characters), but this is an important step. If you don't know what a character is going to do in a certain situation how can you write it? I suggest several steps to better characters *opens thesis*. First, I would find a character questionnaire online and fill it out. Even if you have to make up the stuff as you go. Then, I would write a character sketch, which is a few paragraphs on the character. These two steps are important to get to know your character better and to know how s/he will act in the future. It's also good to reflect back on if you forget something about your character. I would also "take your character out for coffee." Talk to your character. It's fun. Adds to your word count. And, helps you have a better story. (I would love to talk more about characters, but since I might be writing a book on this I have to be vague. Or, anyways, according to my thesis board I should turn my thesis into a book. Who knows if it'll happen or not.)</div>
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5. Shitty First Drafts<br />
My high school creative writing teacher told us this again and again. Even J.K. Rowling said there was only one scene she didn't do a serious rewrite of. It's okay if you don't think what you're writing is any good. Just keep going!</div>
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4. Don't Go Back<br />
When you write a novel in a month unless you are amazing (and sometimes even then), it's going to be crap. Never ever go back and read what you wrote (that's what December's for!). I know what you're thinking - what if I only add stuff? Some people add stuff while editing, it's true, but it's not worth the risk of deleting something bad. Say you thought of a really great scene to add into a certain part. Unless it's within the last page, don't go back! Simply write the scene where you are and bold, italicize, whatever, to let yourself know that that scene belongs somewhere else. Even though it'll probably be obvious. Then, December 1st, you can go through and move all your marked passages. Hell, you might decide you want to keep the passage there and flashback to it.</div>
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3. Rules Smules</div>
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If it doesn't work for you -- don't do it! Like I've said, I don't even do everything on this list and they're my suggestions. Do what works for you. Even if it doesn't work for bigs.</div>
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2. Write<br />
Yeah, it sounds lame. But writing is important.</div>
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1. Procrastination<br />
What??? you ask? Procrastination is your number one tip? Yup. Without a doubt. In fact, I'm procrastinating right now! Hoow? you ask?<br />
Well, procrastinating clears your head. Noveling can get frustrating at times. Taking a break can help. Also, distance really does makes you fonder. You forget how much you hate writing and yearn to go back.<br />
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So, those are my tips for NaNoWriMo. <b>Do you have any more to add? How's your story going?</b></div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-59860651798458812852014-11-08T22:09:00.001-05:002014-11-09T09:49:24.587-05:00YALLFest - Where All The Cool Authors Are<div dir="ltr">
This year I went to <a href="http://yallfest.org/" target="_blank">YALLFest</a>. YALLFest is a festival in Charleston, SC (where I live when I'm not at school... I don't think I've shared that before) that revolves around reading and writing and authors and goodness. I've gone every year (okay, except for last year, sadly), and I've watched it grow bigger and bigger. It's amazing how much it's grown. It's also amazing how many huge... and I mean huge (Veronica Roth, Scott Westerfeld, Lauren Oliver, James Dashner, and of course Ellen Hopkins, who's come every year) authors have started to come. Basically think of a recent young adult book that's turned into a movie/TV series and the author of the book was there. Makes me want to be a YA (young adult) author and be up there with everyone. Except I don't like talking in front of people. So that probably wouldn't happen. But still.</div>
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<img height="140" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/1377474_931282400216712_5962704200828858068_n.png?oh=d997b8e911644939cfb4e414a2fe58eb&oe=54E70BEF&__gda__=1423790964_9cc503dc4197121c5c3bd87bc3c26864" width="400" /></div>
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If you don't read YA - you should. I think even as an adult, what am I talking about? I am an adult, I will and do still read YA (when I read). Because it's awesome. And the writers are awesome. And that should be a good enough reason.</div>
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So how YALLFest works is there is keynote talks (this year two), panels, and a smackdown (basically all the writers being awesome at the same time). The keynote talks and smackdown are ticketed events which all sold out weeks ago. My friend and I didn't get tickets this year for the keynote talks or the smackdown, but the panels are free and open to everyone.</div>
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The panels we attended are:</div>
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<u>Assassins, Secrets, and Spies</u><br />
Alexandra Bracken, Libba Bray, Ally Condie, Becca Fitzpatrick, Kami Garcia, Brendan Reichs, Morgan Rhodes, Scott Westerfeld, and Michael Johnston.</div>
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During this panel I learned that Scott is a pantser, like me. A pantser is when you don't have a clue where anything you're writing is going. You just write and whatever happens happens. He also comes up with how it's going to end about two thirds of the way through, also like me. Another bonus was hearing someone, who I *blushes* can't remember, talk about her outlines. She said one time for a book she wrote 18 outlines. The 17th one was called "Dear Jesus Save Me" and the 18th was called "Even Jesus Can't Save Me." That sounds about right. My friend and I also learned that Libbra Bray is adorable. And awesome. I'll have to read her. Her voice was gone so she couldn't talk, but the stuff she wrote down and was shared was great. So funny.</div>
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<u>All in the Family</u><br />
Sarah Dessen, Adele Griffin, Ellen Hopkins, E. Lockhart, Lauren Myracle, Jennifer E. Smith, Maya Van Wagenen, and Aaron Hartzler.</div>
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This panel featured Ellen Hopkins, one of my favorite writers since I read her first book right when it came out, Crank. Yes, I know it came out in 2004. Yes, I know I was ten. Was it appropriate for me? Probably not. Did that stop her from instantly becoming a favorite writer? Not even close. It also featured Maya Van Wagenen, who's a junior in high school. And already has a book out. Who already has a book out by John Green's publisher. So that's pretty awesome.</div>
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<u>My Name is <Writer> and I am a Basket Case</u><br />
Libba Bray, Sarah Fine, Lauren Myracle, Lauren Oliver, Stephanie Perkins, Veronica Roth, Sara Zarr, and Margaret Stohl</div>
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This was the panel I was most looking forward to. And it did not disappoint. Not going to lie but mental illness is an interest of mine. And the fact that these people are where I want to be with the same problems I have is definitely appealing. It was definitely my favorite panel. Veronica Roth said something that gave me a shiver. Something along the lines of "I told my doctor I didn't want to be on medication forever. He said you don't live forever. You only have this time and you might as well make the most of it." Also my friend decided that Lauren Oliver sounded really familiar. She couldn't pinpoint it at first. Then she realized that me and Lauren Oliver are the same person. So that's pretty cool. She said everything she writes is crap.... Everything I write is crap! Hopefully our crap is on the same level and I can get published like her. One of these days. Libba even broke her non-talking rule for this panel. Some of the stuff they said was so relatable. Like the worst time is in the morning because you have to do everything again. That the worst time is in the afternoon because the morning coffee high is over and it's just sort of blah. And that the worst time is the hours when you can't sleep at four in the morning because well, let's face it, it's a horrible time. I could go on and on about this panel - it was perfect - especially for me. And I think most of the people who chose to go to this talk. I'm really glad that they had this panel, and that I went to it. I'm also glad that while the stigma of mental illness is still strong, it's breaking up enough to have this topic chosen. And I hope they have similar panels again next year.</div>
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<u>Incurable Romantics</u><br />
Lauren Billings and Christina Hobbs (Christina Lauren), Ann Brashares, Kiera Cass, Becca Fitzpatrick, Michelle Hodkin, Sarah Maas, and Lauren Oliver</div>
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In this panel my friend and I discovered that Lauren Oliver and I really are the same person. Either that or I just think she's so awesome I want to be her. That could also be a thing. We heard a lot of cute romantic stories and talked about the difference between true love and romantic love. It was very cute.</div>
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<u>Hollywood Stories</u><br />
Ann Brashares, James Dashner, Melissa de la Cruz, Gayle Forman, Kathy Reichs, Veronica Roth, Margaret Stohl, and Kami Garcia</div>
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This panel had people whose books had been turned into movies and TV shows. This panel was the one that made me want to be up there with them. Or maybe just be friends with everyone. I think that would be preferable. Good friends are better than publicity.</div>
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AND YALLFest has been such a success that they announced a new event coming April called YALLWest in California. It's very exciting. The title though is a bit funny, I think. YALLFest is a play on the southern word "y'all" and "YA." So the fact that they're keeping that in there kind of amuses me. Although I understand there's not many words like "y'all" that would work. Besides the name it's very exciting.</div>
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So, on a completely unrelated, but related, topic, how are my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/11/goals.html" target="_blank">goals</a> coming?<br />
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1. Don't die. -- Obviously thus far I have been successful. I am off my meds, but so far I haven't been that bad. Which is fantastic.<br />
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2. Finish five books. -- I've finished one so far, Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.<br />
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3. Do a deep cleaning of my room at least twice. -- I put some recycling in bags (but left it in my room), does that count?<br />
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4. Improve my sleep hygiene. -- I've been working on it.<br />
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5. Be a little proactive in the whole school thing (This is from now until the end of the semester, Dec. 12th is my last final). -- Nope. Not yet.<br />
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Bonus Goal -- I've written a measly 4,669 words so far. The target for today is 13,336. I've got some catching up to do.</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-79388524607551341292014-11-04T17:05:00.000-05:002014-11-04T17:05:01.997-05:00Bonus GoalLast year I did not do <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/" target="_blank">NaNoWriMo</a> and didn't think anything of it.<br />
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This year I wasn't going to do it. But it happened.<br />
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Remember my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/11/goals.html" target="_blank">goals for November</a>?<br />
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Well, I have a bonus goal.<br />
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Bonus Goal: Write 50,000 words as part of a novel in <strike>30</strike> 26 days! -- That's write... I mean right. I started NaNoWriMo by accident. And plan to finish. And distract myself by writing here. You can see my progress <a href="http://nanowrimo.org/participants/ahmmburrose" target="_blank">here</a>. If you're a NaNoer yourself, add me as a friend!<br />
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Updates to come!<br />
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For those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about... NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, is when you write 50,000 words as part of a novel in a month. I won every year of high school (2008-2011). Attempted my first year of college (2012), but stopped halfway through the month. Didn't write anything last year. And this year, I will try again. And yes, I am procrastinating.<br />
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Back to work!Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-60032880469143065562014-11-02T13:11:00.001-05:002014-11-04T17:11:27.460-05:00GoalsIt's been about a year since I put up my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/p/25-by-25.html" target="_blank">25 by 25</a> list. Actually, I just checked... it has not been a year since writing <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/12/goals-and-disappointments.html" target="_blank">this amazing post</a>. But I just had a birthday, so I'm inclined to write about my 25 by 25 list.<br />
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But first, goals of November:<br />
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1. Don't die. -- I'll know by Wednesday if I'm doing this or not. I'm possibly completely switching types of medications. I might be switching to a very old type, given in patch form. This type requires you to go completely clean of your other medications for two weeks. The goal is not to die. Or to be hospitalized, but if that happens it's okay. The dying part is less okay. I just found out today, while I was busy not sleeping at all, that I might be able to stay on Abilify. Which will make this switch much easier. The last time I switched medications... it was bad.<br />
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2. Finish five books. -- I'm in the middle of several books. Okay, 14. And finishing a few would be nice. Starting some would be nice too. But I want to finish at least five. If you like books and/or want to keep up with my reading progress click <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/friend/i?i=LTM2MjI3MzA5NTk6NDI2" target="_blank">here</a> to sign up for <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/" target="_blank">Goodreads</a>.<br />
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3. Do a deep cleaning of my room at least twice. -- It's trashed. Well... recycled really. It's filled with things that ought to be recycled.<br />
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4. Improve my sleep hygiene. -- Do I think it will help my sleep problems? Not really. But it's worth a try. My cat is less than pleased about this because it means less time in bed with her.<br />
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5. Be a little proactive in the whole school thing (This is from now until the end of the semester, Dec. 12th is my last final). -- For organic chemistry, read the textbook, make notecards of the reactions (and learn them!) and read the second language book. Beginning this at least a week before each test. For physics try to read the textbook. Look at physics for dummies and see if it helps. And write out the practices problems as I look up the answers, instead of just punching in numbers. For children's lit, go and see the professor and ask her if my story is ready for publication, and what else I need to do for the class with it. And then what are my steps to get it published. For plagues, actually read the articles before the next test. And for biology actually look at the study guide and make my own version. Instead of half-assed rereading my crappy notes.<br />
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<a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/11/bonus-goal.html" target="_blank">Bonus Goal</a><br />
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Okay. Now my yearly progress check on my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/p/25-by-25.html" target="_blank">25 by 25</a> list:<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">1. Get 1,000+ blog hits a day at leave five times in one week</span><br />
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Hahaha. I know I was shooting for the stars with this one. Since I've been posting less my hits have been going down. Way down.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">2. Get into grad school on the West coast</span></div>
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Not yet applicable.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">3. Commit to recovery</span></div>
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Meh. Sometimes I have and sometimes I haven't. I can't quite check this one off yet.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">4. Get my driver's license</span></div>
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I'm thinking this winter.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">5. Begin working on one of my research experiment ideas</span></div>
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I need to develop an idea and get a staff member on board soon to do research in fall. I need it to graduate. And I can do an independent study.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">6. Visit a country outside the US</span></div>
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Nope.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">7. Run a 10K</span></div>
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LOL.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">8. Read 200 books</span></div>
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I've read 29 books since my last birthday.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">9. Make/Send a PostSecret</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not yet. I've had lots of ideas, but I haven't made one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">10. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet well</span></div>
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Yeah... no.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">11. Keep an herb garden</span></div>
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I'm thinking in my window in the spring.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">12. Finish reading all published books in A Song of Ice and Fire series</span></div>
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I've read four out of five.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">13. Go on a boat ride</span></div>
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I took a dolphin sighting cruise. Does that count?</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">14. Reread all of the Harry Potter books at least once</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not yet.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">15. Fill an entire notebook with things I am grateful for</span></div>
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I have one page... out of 158. I need to work on this.</div>
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<strike><br /></strike><span style="font-family: inherit;">16. Go backpacking for at least a week</span></div>
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Not yet.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">17. Voluntarily speak to a small group</span></div>
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Yes!!!</div>
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18. Voluntarily<span style="font-family: inherit;"> speak to a large group</span></div>
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No!!!</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">19. Try extreme couponing</span></div>
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Not yet.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">20. Go on a road trip</span></div>
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Again, not yet.</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">21. Completely finish TWO large art projects</span></div>
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I started one. And then lost it.</div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">22. Complete </span>Insanity (only workout, not food part)</div>
<div>
Not yet.</div>
<div>
<br />
23. Complete a ten day Vispassana course</div>
<div>
Not yet.</div>
<div>
<br />
24. Join three clubs</div>
<div>
Sadly one of the clubs I want to join I can't without a car. But, I've shown interest in clubs. So that's a start.</div>
<div>
<br />
25. Never make a late payment</div>
<div>
Oops. Can't go back and undo that one. Remembering to pay your rent when you aren't told how much you owe is hard. It's also hard when you thought you had five days before it's late when you actually only have three.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyways. That was a long post. Me making up for all that time not posting. That's what I've been up to. What have you been up to? How are your goals coming? Or, do you even make goals? I can't promise I'll post again soon, but I will post again!</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-2426575436171083992014-09-26T16:15:00.001-04:002014-09-26T16:15:29.022-04:00I don't have much to say...Yes, I am still here. I don't have much to report. I'm taking a children's lit class, a class on plagues, basic biology (with lab), organic chemistry (with lab), and physics with calculus two (with lab). Today I had two tests and a presentation. The first test (organic) I believe went well. The second test I'm sure did not go well, but we got three points for putting our name on the test, so I know I didn't get a zero. The presentation, according to peer comments, I did well on, but lacked confidence. Speaking in front of people is one of my biggest fears so that is really good.<br />
<br />
That was last week. I've since gotten grades back... a 99 on the organic chemistry test, a D on the physics test, and a 10/10 on the presentation. Looks like I have to step up my physics game. I also took two tests Tuesday. The first one went pretty well. I BSed a little, but I think I did okay. The second one, I don't think I did too well on. I hope the free response is worth a lot of points because I'm pretty sure I got that part perfect. The night before I took them I could have studied more. I had a couple of breakdowns over a few things, so that had me challenging why evolution mattered when some other things are going on.<br />
<br />
Wednesday, I did the lab I talked about <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/02/i-can-do-anything.html" target="_blank">here</a>. It took me all of 11 minutes. People kept coming over to look at mine because I am the only one who had her shit together. Because I am amazing. And because I had done the lab before... sort of.<br />
<br />
I really don't have too much else to report. School still makes me anxious. But not quite as anxious as before. Mostly. I did have to take a Xanax twice this week before school to stop me from throwing up. But I've been especially stressed this past week about family stuff.<br />
<br />
My roommates are great. We're all sort of slobs. The trash bags are building up in the living room (the dumpster is really far away). We leave dishes on the stove and on the counter. Which if we need to use we can move without expecting anyone to blow up. If we need to do laundry and there's something in we just do their laundry. Again without having to expect anyone to blow up. We live a lot more like a family than my last living situation. And everyone loves Storm.<br />
<br />
Also, for some reason all of my comments on my last post went away. The comments are still on my IntenseDebate account, but aren't showing up for everyone to read. There was quite a few of them so it's unfortunate. It's like Blogger suddenly got rid of IntenseDebate and put its own comment... thing back. So that's no fun. I have no idea how to fix it. If anyone does know, email me.<br />
<br />
So... how have you all been doing?Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-89309184004043983162014-08-16T17:46:00.000-04:002014-08-16T17:46:42.943-04:00Going Back to School<div dir="ltr">
You didn't expect another post so soon now, did you?</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Going back to school has terrified me for a long time. I don't know what part about it does -- except for all of it. I'm afraid to move in. I'm afraid to meet my new roommates. I'm afraid to start school. I'm afraid to sit in class. I'm afraid to do labs. I'm afraid to do homework.... Basically... I'm afraid.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And yet tomorrow I move into my new home with three girls I have yet to meet.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Why does it scare me? I don't know. It might have something to do with how I left early last time. But then again, maybe not. I know I can always take a medical withdraw if I get too sick. Yet, that does not seem to comfort me.</div>
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I feel like I should say more, but I don't know what else to say. How do you feel about going back to school?</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-26660245035451188172014-08-15T22:01:00.000-04:002014-08-15T22:01:46.512-04:00Parents and Mental Illness<div dir="ltr">
Sigh. Blogger has once <i>again</i> eaten a post. I'm sure I saved it.<br />
<br />
First of all, Storm, my emotional support kitty has been sick. I thought she was better, but then my friend and I witnessed her peeing on my stuff again. So it seems like she's still sick, unfortunately.<br />
<br />
So, as I mentioned in my <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/07/preparing-for-busch-gardens.html">last post</a>, my parents are no longer quite so in the dark about my conditions. Are they still in the dark? Yes, very much so, but not as much.<br />
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I get a few of my medications through patient assistance programs. These programs are when the drug companies send free brand name medication to your doctor when you have under a certain income and don't have insurance. That's right, I'm on multiple medications with no insurance. How is that related to what I just said? Well, I've been home a long time. Which means I need my medications. Which are particularly difficult to get when your doctor is 100 miles away. So my doctor stuck my drugs in an envelope and mailed them. Twice.<br />
<br /></div>
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The first time my mom saw the package and asked "What <i>boy</i> in Columbia is sending you pills?" I somehow got out of that one by not really answering. The second time, about a week later, he sent me another envelope filled with pills. And my mom asks me again, "What <i>boy</i> in Columbia is sending you pills?" I tried again to get out of it, but with no success. I asked, "Would it make a difference if it was my doctor?" She basically said no. I thought her knowing it wasn't birth control would make it better. It apparently made it worse.<br />
<br />
They then lulled me into a false sense of security by not bringing it up for several weeks. I thought that maybe my parents didn't think it was a big deal. Until they took me out to lunch in Columbia. They started out by telling me that I am slow on the medication. My mom has even said she's worried about me driving at all on them (I don't drive anyways). However, they don't even know when I started taking the meds. They think I've been slow this summer when I've been on the medications since December 2012. I have been on several different kinds, sure. Maybe I just don't want to be slow, but I don't understand how it can be my meds.<br />
<br />
Secondly, my mom really likes to ask really awkward questions that either I can't or don't want to answer including: "Why didn't the last one work?" "How is this one helping you?" and "What were you feeling before?" I made the mistake of telling her I had tried one before and it didn't work. Although, of course, as you know, there have been <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">more than one</a>.<br />
<br />
We also had other conversations including:</div>
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Mom: What do you think is causing this?<br />
Me: I don't know.<br />
Dad: Do you think it's a chemical imbalance?<br />
Me: Yeah....<br />
Mom: Why is that what you think?<br />
Me: I don't know.<br />
Mom: No really, who told you that's what it was?<br />
Me: No one. It just is.<br />
<br />
This is one that they have not dropped. They keep asking me if x told me it was a chemical imbalance. Including the classes I'm taking at school. See, they think it's all college's fault that I'm this way. Well, that's what my mom thinks. My dad thinks I'm in a funk. He told me all I needed was to travel for three months, and I'd be better. I guess they're both waiting for me to snap out of it. But blame it all on college. At least this way I don't have to deal with them knowing how bad I was before college. I'd rather them not know I was crying six to eight hours a night, under their roof, and they never noticed. I'd rather them not know a lot of things.<br />
<br />
Mom: One of my friends said medication just took the edge off, is that what you think?<br />
Me: Yeah....<br />
Mom: But what does that mean???<br />
Me: What?<br />
Mom: When she told me that I didn't know what it meant and I still don't know!!!<br />
<br />
I'm not sure either of them really know what depression is. And I'm pretty sure I'd rather let them think I'm in a funk than know how bad my life really was for a very long time.<br />
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And then things like this happen, in the library my mom found a book called Beating the Blues and tried to give it to me. Said, "Look! It's about," whispers, "<i>depression</i>." I know she's just trying to help, but seriously.<br />
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Also, another thing she said, in front of my horrified friend, "We just want the real you back."<br />
<br /></div>
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What is this real me that she's talking about? Last summer when the real me couldn't get out of bed and was in constant indescribable pain? The real me who cried for countless hours in the dark because she didn't realize the lights were off? The real me who was peed on by a cat and didn't care or move? The real me who didn't remember to eat unless prompted? I don't know what real me she's talking about. I am better now than I have ever been in my whole life.<br />
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As if that isn't subtle enough my dad on our vacation said "well we're open to therapy, but not psychiatrists." And then when my baby sister said "doesn't she have one?" and asked what the difference was between them and therapists he said "they prescribe medicine that people may or may not need." Also, I said something about having a type of disability, which allows me to have an emotional support animal. He got all serious an said we needed to talk. As in don't think that or else.... Talk about not being supportive.<br />
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Also, there was another time when my mom was telling me about someone she knew who was depressed. She said, "she's in the same place she was a few years ago. And it's just sooo sad." Like it was the worst thing ever. How do I explain that's just how I am? That my condition is chronic - I don't get breaks? She just thinks everything is so surprising and tragic. One time my sister mentioned she had insomnia and my mom said with absolute utter horror, "you have INSOMNIA!?!?" Like it was the worst thing ever. Insomnia. I had insomnia my whole life up until I started taking medication.<br />
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This is a big part of why I didn't want to disclose to my parents my mental illness. Because they just don't understand. I know parental support is important for a lot of people. But, honestly, I'd rather them not know anything.<br />
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How have the people in your life supported or not supported big choices you've made?</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-47021152339939069112014-07-20T17:33:00.003-04:002014-07-20T17:33:59.863-04:00Preparing for Busch GardensThis week I'm going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg. I'll post pictures later if I remember to take any. Usually I don't do much sightseeing. Also, I'd rather be living in the moment and look around than take a bunch of pictures. But I'll try to remember. I also prefer to go on rides with my baby sister while my parents think we're going to die. I think roller coasters are safer than driving, but they don't agree. Last time we went to Busch Gardens (in Tampa) my dad got a huge collection of pictures of animal butts. For some reason that was the only angle he could take. Animals kept turning around every time he held up the camera. My pictures may end up being just that as well.<br />
<br />
I'm a little nervous about hiding/taking my medication while we're on vacation. It's always worked before, but it still worries me. Although, I guess, I don't have to be that secretive about it anymore since my parents are no longer quite in the dark. I wish they still were. More on that later. But they only think I'm on one medication - when <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-med-story.html" target="_blank">I'm actually on five</a>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Griffon First Drop.jpg" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/22/Griffon_First_Drop.jpg/250px-Griffon_First_Drop.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">looking forward to this one</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Image credit: Wikipedia<br />
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In other news, I'm in a really good mood today. I'm not quite sure why that is, but I'll take it. It might be because I just started zolpidem (Ambien), and it's helping me get the right type of sleep, even though it takes longer than it should to kick in. Or it might be my newish antidepressant kicking in. I'm probably being too optimistic, maybe it's just a good day. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining!Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-69302232865381726512014-06-30T18:16:00.001-04:002014-06-30T18:16:14.116-04:00Late Night Cooking: Pita ChipsThe other night I decided I wanted something to eat. Typical night, right? Something that did not need very many ingredients, including butter. Because when it's been a very long time since you've gone to the store, you don't have many things. Anyways, I decided I wanted pita chips. Because what could be easier?<br />
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I assumed I had all the ingredients. After all flour, water, salt, what more would you need for a flat bread? Well, apparently pita bread is not flat. Pita bread rises. Which means it needs yeast. Something I do not have on hand at my apartment. However, I did not give up. I looked up recipes for pita bread without yeast and struck gold. According to two recipes that I found, you don't need yeast to make pita bread! After several more hours of debating I decided I would just go for it.<br />
<br />
I used a recipe I found on a blog with pictures:<br />
Three cups of flour<br />
One teaspoon of salt<br />
One cup of water<br />
A few teaspoons of oil (optional)<br />
<br />
Mix, let sit, and fry. Easy.<br />
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Well, whoever wrote that blog post must have very different luck cooking than I do. If you remember from two previous posts <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/11/cooking.html" target="_blank">Cooking Fails</a> and <a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/11/cooking-fails-part-two.html" target="_blank">Cooking Fails Part Two</a> I don't <i>always</i> have the best luck in the kitchen. This time was no different.<br />
<br />
I mixed the flour and salt. I then added the water. Now, last time I checked (the other day) one cup of water is not enough water to dampen three cups of flour. Not even a little bit. So I added a little more water. And a little more. And then a bit more after that. Much more than one cup. But just enough to make a dough. Then I threw in some unmeasured amount of oil. At this point I realized there's no point even looking at the recipe, I'm flying in the dark. By now it's about 11:30, so, not too late, but late enough. And I crept out into the kitchen to fry the dough. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. I wasn't even in the kitchen to begin with. I didn't want to bother my studying roommate who was in the living room, so I was trying to stay extra quiet for her.<br />
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I flattened out the dough. No problems there. I didn't even need flour. Because I had only just made a dough the flour water ratio wasn't very sticky. And fried it in the pan. I was afraid my roommate was going to look over and judge me for frying some sort of dough mixture at 11:30 at night, but she was too busy studying to care. I took it out and put the next one in. As soon as it was cool enough to bite into, actually a bit too soon for that, my mouth is still burnt, I took a huge bite. PITA. IT TASTED LIKE PITA. I was very excited. And continued to fry up dough.<br />
<br />
By the time I got to the second one I realized that <i>I had not actually ever been hungry</i>. Just bored and wanting to eat. But, of course, I go for it anyways. It soooorta tasted like pita. I recognized the taste as closer to the homemade tortillas my older sister and I used to make on our tortilla maker. At this point I'm slightly less excited about frying them all up. However, I ate the second "pita" and continued frying. The third "pita" did not taste good. Not even a little bit good. It had no redeeming qualities. I kept frying. Sooner, well, actually later, I had fried all of the disgusting dough. I had still not gotten one glance from my roommate. (<a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/2013/11/cooking.html" target="_blank">sound familiar?</a>) I took it into my room and tried another one. Blargh. Gross.<br />
<br />
The next day I threw them all away. Realizing, that I don't really like pita much anyways.Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-3383620907581987602014-06-23T21:42:00.001-04:002014-06-23T21:42:35.052-04:00TwitterAs you know, or I hope you know, I have recently started a Twitter account. Twitter is one of the strangest and most anxiety provoking social media site. Mostly for the reason that all social media is scary -- people can see stuff that you say. Now you're probably thinking you're a blogger, you WANT people to see the things that you say. Why else would you have a blog? Now that is a very good question. See, as a blogger, I want more readers. I think most bloggers want more readers. We want people to talk about us. We want people to tell their friends about us. We want people to share our blog with everyone they know and everyone else, too. (hint hint) But, at the same time, I do not want more people to read the things that I write, because that's scary. For some reason more readers does not equate to more people reading my posts. What can I say? Anxiety brain is a strange thing. Now that is not to say I don't like my readers. Oh no. I love my readers. Hi guys. But people reading the things I have to say is a scary thought. I'm not going to lie.<br />
<br />
Back to Twitter... Twitter is basically "how many people want to see everything I'm thinking." Maybe I don't want people to know what I'm thinking. Maybe I'm not thinking anything. Maybe I'm only thinking boring things. I don't get how people can continually think of interesting things to put on Twitter. I sure can't. Maybe that's why I don't post as much as many other people. Or maybe I just feel like nothing I have to say is important enough. Low self-esteem for the win.<br />
<br />
But why is it scary? Famous people have Twitter accounts. Authors, bloggers, and people I look up to have accounts. Sure, following someone isn't all that scary. Especially someone popular. What's one more follower to them? However, Twitter is set up to have conversations. Maybe it's just me, but I'm terrified to send a Tweet to someone who I admire. I'm afraid to reply to something someone says. Am I afraid of being judged? Nope. Just afraid. I don't know what to say, and I just can't say anything. It's weird. Of course it's even harder in real life. In real life you're not allowed to freeze up. In real life you can't freeze up or cry. But that doesn't make it any less difficult on Twitter. It's hard for me to understand how people can just answer strangers. I have a difficult time talking to people I know, but people I don't know? nearly impossible.<br />
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<b>What do you think about Twitter?</b>Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8909330696500015496.post-69307690225734478582014-06-12T18:05:00.001-04:002018-04-18T05:21:21.991-04:00My Med Story<div dir="ltr">
I know that I'm always curious about others and the medications they've tried, and I know a lot of bloggers have pages that explain what they're taking. I just started on a new medication. So, I decided to do a post.<br />
<br /></div>
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I've been on psychiatric medications since December of 2012. After a psychotic episode my therapist and I decided that it was probably the way to go. On the bright side, I have not had a psychotic episode since I started on medication.<br />
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One of my psychotic episodes happened while I was home on fall break from school. My air conditioner was off, but it was moving. For those of you who have never experienced visual hallucinations -- they're fucking terrifying. Appliances that are off shouldn't move. Yeah, I know, how do I know it was off? And so on. I've heard it all. Just trust me. It was moving. And it was scary. I was so scared I texted one of my friends I was on rocky grounds with. Because I didn't know what else to do. At the time I was still half in the closet, but working my way out, with most of my friends. I ended up leaving the room to take a shower. When I came back it was still moving. Very scary.</div>
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When I told my therapist, through a letter because I was too scared to tell her outright, she said the next step was medication. And I hadn't started on it right away because of my inability to talk to people. Apparently psychiatrists aren't as tolerant with anxiety disorders as therapists are.<br />
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<div dir="ltr">
The medications I have tried in various combinations in the order of being prescribed them:<br />
The medications I am currently on are bolded.<br />
The dosage I am current on is italicized.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Last Updated: 4/18/18<br />
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<div dir="ltr">
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Zoloft (sertraline)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Desyrel (trazodone)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Vistaril (hydroxyzine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Effexor (venlafaxine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Remeron (mirtazapine) </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Klonopin (clonazepam)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Wellbutrin (bupropion)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Xanax (alprazolam)</b> – <i>0.5 mg tid</i></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Deplin (l-methylfolate)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Inderal (propranolol)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Abilify (aripiprazole)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Strattera (atomoxetine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Viibryd (vilazodone)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Cymbalta (duloxetine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Ambien (zolpidem)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Emsam (selegiline transdermal system)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Lamictal (lamotrigine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Pristiq (desvenlafaxine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Lunesta (eszopiclone) </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Concerta (methylphenidate ER)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Brin/Trintellix (vortioxetine)</b> – <i>20 mg</i></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Seroquel (quetiapine)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Eskalith (lithium)</b> – <i>2x300 mg bid</i></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Norpramin (desipramine)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">BuSpar (buspirone)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Lexapro (escitalopram)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Provigil (modafinil)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Lyrica (pregabalin)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Nuvigil (armodafinil)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Elavil (amitriptyline)</b> – <i>75 mg</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Neurontin (gabapentin)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Adderall (amphetamine salts)</b> – <i>10-20 mg prn</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine)</b> – <i>60 mg</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Vraylar (cariprazine)</b> – <i>1.5 mg</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">Restoril (temazepam) – 30 mg<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1">ProSom (estazolam) – 2 mg<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1" style="font-family: Times; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span class="s1"><b>Sonata (zaleplon)</b> – <i>10mg</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
I plan on making a link to this page on m<span style="font-family: inherit;">y </span><a href="http://curseofcassandra.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html" style="font-family: inherit;">About Me</a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> page and keep it updated the best I remember.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And as always, if you hav</span>e any questions feel free to ask.</div>
Cassiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13543236185557743015noreply@blogger.com0