Thursday, August 1, 2013

Best Tattoo Artist - Part One

If you ever want to hear a good story - you need to get a tattoo. Or go with someone who is getting a tattoo.

My sister's tattoo artist, Shavon, tells the best stories ever. And I really do mean ever.

I don't know if any of you have a tattoo, but my sister is getting a sleeve done. For the record, it takes months. And months. And right now Shavon's just doing the outline, and she's super super fast, but sleeves just take forever.

I go with my sister every time just to talk to this woman. I seriously want to be just like her when I grow up. Except for the tattooing part. She's cool, hysterical, and happy. I adore her. (If you actually know her don't tell her I said this.) And the stories. Dear god the stories.

Maybe it's because I don't get out much, but I feel like I don't really have too many stories. But Shavon has a story for everything. And they're always hysterical. I feel like every time I tell a story people are like "yeah, that's so interesting" and move on. I'm sure I could type up one of her stories and it wouldn't be too funny coming from me (I'll try though). She makes everything hysterical. Even on days when everything goes horribly wrong. Especially on days when everything goes horribly wrong.

The last time I went her carbon copy machine broke the second we walked in the door. We're clearly good luck charms. Without that machine she can't tattoo. And she works all day. Every day. Without taking breaks for herself. Which she should. I was there with my sister and a few other women who also stuck around (because we wanted to hear stories, because she's hysterical). And we were not disappointed. We also learned about thermal carbon copy machines... basically there's only a few in the world and all of them are refurbished. And if hers had died completely, she would have to wait in line to score one. This seemed a little unthinkable to us. There was actually something that couldn't be bought on amazon or ebay? We hadn't heard of such a thing.

Okay, enough with the boring.
I am going to try and recap this story.

Actually, first I'm going to tell a different story. If grammar errors make you hurt then you probably should skip down to her story. I'm already bad with grammar and I use lie/lay/whatever a ton of times. I just pick whatever one sounds best.
Right now she is working on refurbishing her office. Which is gorgeous. But she hasn't found the perfect couch yet, and since there's only a few chairs, I sit on the floor. I'm actually pretty sure the floor is more comfortable than the chairs.

So, my sister is in one of the chairs. Two women and Shavon are talking. And someone else is sitting on the floor with me. Except I'm lying on the floor. Using my phone.
(To make these stories easier to tell, it features Shavon, I, Sister, Red Hair, Blond Hair (the two talking to Shavon), and Dark Hair (the one sitting on the floor with me). I don't actually remember if they had red and blond hair - but I'm going for it anyways.)

I was going to find a picture that represented how I was lying, but I couldn't find any that I liked. So, I apologize in advance for the assault your eyes are about to have. Or have already had, depending on how far you've scrolled on this page.
Since I'm drawing my own pictures I might as well draw how it feels to lie on the floor.

Actually this is a lot harder than I thought.... Almost too embarrassing to post. Almost.

Just remember. I'm not a tattoo artist. And there is a VERY good reason why I can/should/will (etc.) never become one.

The way I should have been lying

The way I was lying
Now, I know my pictures are so good, you don't need an explanation - but I'll give one anyways. Because I can. The dark lines are things you can see from above. The light lines are like the dotted lines in math and you can't see them from that angle.

And don't lie - if you are a female and have any shape at all you know this is exactly how it feels when you're lying on the floor.

To answer your questions:
Yes, I did copy the "S" from one picture and use it on the other.
And yes, I did hit the undo button to get the body shape.
And no, my legs aren't that uneven, but making them so took more art brain than I have.
And no, I don't know why my text is not aligned because the pictures are the exact same size.
I know they are.
But, the important thing to remember here is that I am not a tattoo artist.

Back to the story - so I was using my phone laying on my back, I think I was reading, or, as you read in my last post, playing Candy Crush (I couldn't decide which to hyperlink so I did both. They both go the same place though). I had flipped back and forth several time and had decided that it was better boob side up because at least my arms were sort of in the way. And I wasn't sticking my butt in anyone's face. And my hands - slick with sweat - despite their best efforts dropped my phone. And by dropped I mean it just slipped out of my hands. Now, I know what you're thinking okay, Cassie, we all know where this story is going. very funny. haha. you dropped your phone on your face. However, you are assuming wrong. The phone decided to be nice to me and jumped out of my hands and landed with a loud THUNK next to my face. So how is this funny? I have NO idea. Here I am, very excited because guess what - my phone didn't land on my face. However, Dark Hair looked up from her phone right before I dropped it. She saw the whole thing. And from a different perspective it was the funniest thing ever. I am not even hyperbolizing here. She laughed for at least TWENTY minutes. Okay... but it was more than five. She could not stop laughing.

She kept apologizing and composing herself, only to crack up again seconds later. She was laughing so hard my sister... Sister thought I had dropped it on my face. And of course we both started laughing too. Sister was laughing at me. I was laughing embarrassedly and also because somehow when someone laughs at something that hard it inherently becomes funny.

It was the sort of thing where as soon as everyone would (finally) stop laughing, someone would start up again. I - trying to restore my negative dignity - when back to whatever I was doing on my phone. But all the laughing was distracting. When I looked up, grinning, but ready for everything to not be funny any more I realized both of them were staring at me.

They were waiting.
For me to drop my phone - again.

I tried pointing out that everyone would know if I dropped it again because the noise was so loud. But that was funny too.

Seriously though. What's so funny about dropping your phone NEXT to your face?
When it finally - finally calmed down. Dark Hair said "she's still  embarrassed" and it started all over. But really. I don't understand. Why is that sooo funny? Sure, it made a loud noise that it wouldn't have made had it landed on my face. But it was NEXT to my face, people. Not ON my face.

Anyways, so, I just realized that A. this post is getting quite long and B. I was reading a book before I started writing. That was like forever ago, too. But I had to jot down that I wanted to write about Shavon sometime, and I just kept going... somehow....

Whatever. I think I will end on that note. All of you can laugh at me for dropping my phone. And I will tell Shavon's story next time. And it will be actually funny.
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