Saturday, August 6, 2016

Accidentally Graduating

Hi, so, I'm back for now. I haven't forgotten this blog, but I haven't posted since January either. So much has happened since then. I moved back in with my mom due to... well a lot of reasons. My cat was really sick (she got better as soon as I moved), and my parents were worried about me. I've also been struggling financially.  After I was in the hospital in January my job stopped giving me hours. Like I came to them the day I got out and gave them my letter that I was okay to start working again. They put me on the schedule once about a month after I got out (probably so they can pretend it wasn't related to being in the hospital), but I haven't had hours once since then and I stopped getting emails telling me that I'm not on the schedule.

After that I looked for a job for awhile, I didn't even get any interviews. I could only apply to places I could walk to, but even the grocery stores and the bowling alley didn't call me back. During that time I was studying for the MCAT. I stopped when I came back to my mom's house because my baby sister was graduating high school. I was going to pick it back up when I got back to my house but that's when my cat got sick, my mom got worried, I came home, and my cat got better. She hadn't been eating or drinking but the day after I came back she was drinking a lot and her weird hiccup thing almost went away completely. However, I never really went back to studying.

I've been doing some acrobatics with my school. In just four years with a summer my attempted credits are up to 193 (the equivalent of about 13 regular semesters). In order to get any financial aid that number has to remain below 180. So I had to do an appeal. I started by trying to get my advisor letter. I eventually had my letter and a supporting letter, but my advisor letter had not gone through. I'm still not so sure what happened there. Eventually I spoke with another advisor in the Dean's office and she advised me to graduate with a BA instead of BS. I was not the biggest fan of this. I only need one more class to graduate with a BS, and I wanted to take Organic Chemistry 2, too. However, I decided that it was in my best interest to graduate. It would save me trying to figure out many things before August 18th. So in my circumstance it would probably better this way. I still need to take Organic Chemistry 2, and because I will not be working towards a degree it will be very expensive. Also, because the college I live near now is much more expensive than the school I went to. Each credit you take here is almost $500. Organic Chemistry 2 is four credits. And there will also be lab fees, whatever other fees that school has, and then of course books, and maybe lab equipment. I have the last two for my former school but that kind of stuff varies from school to school, sometimes professor to professor. So, as long as tuition doesn't go up, which it will, it will be about $2500 plus books and supplies, out of pocket, also plus gas because it's sort of far. So I have to figure out when I want to take that and the MCAT so I can apply to programs next cycle.

Also, if anyone knows any medical field jobs in my area, let me know. I'm looking at a few things, but I'm open to suggestions. Preferably, I am looking for a longer term position because I should have at least two years before I go back to school full time.

So yeah. I sort of graduate today. Well, according to my advisor in the Dean's office. I'm still a little weary because I've only heard it from one person. I haven't been able to find anything online about it. And the Registrar's office told me to call my advisor in the Dean's office. But as far as I know I am graduating today. Yay?

As far as everything else goes, I am going to choose to opt out of saying anything about what is going on right now on the outside of me. However, as far as my mental health stuff, I'm doing really well. I'm not quite sure what happened, but since about February I'm better than I've ever been like ever. I know it was not my most recent hospitalization in January, because I came out of that worse than I went in. Which is pretty scary since I came in via stretcher via ambulance. I'm fine though. Everything was fine. My labs never dropped into scary level, and they were taken so much. I had so many holes in my arms and hands I don't think they could have found another place to draw blood. I was uncomfortable but always fine. Now if I hadn't had gone, that would have been a little different, but I did. I might have another post about that stay and I might not.

Basically, despite it all, I'm doing pretty good. As far as a diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I still have a few. But it's not like how it was all of the other years.

I'm not going to promise to write again soon, because maybe I will and maybe I won't. But I would like to know how you are doing. What have you been up to since January?

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Me #oneword2016

One of my favorite bloggers (and writers... if you have not read Furiously Happy you're doing something wrong) is The Bloggess. She wrote a post called Simple #oneword2016. And she asked us to pick one word for 2016. Her word was "simplify" simplified to "simple." The word I chose was "me."

Interesting choice of word, right? Maybe. I picked "me" because I know I need to focus more on myself than others right now. Being an empath, I spend a lot of time well... empathizing. And while this trait is good, especially in the helping field, which I want to go into, there is a point where it can be too much. Letting others' emotions get to you can be overwhelming. And I want to learn a healthy balance of empathy and selfishness...? Is that the opposite of empathy? I don't know. Close enough.

I also need to focus on myself and my recovery. I need to learn to do things I enjoy. I need to learn how to be content. And I need to learn, really learn, that depression lies. So many things I need to learn to recovery. And not just learn but know. Truly know.

Completely different update (what else is new, right?): As far as sleep goes... it's not. I'm still struggling to fall asleep. I asked my pdoc to change my meds again. Which is a little embarrassing since I saw him yesterday. But you know, we're all friend here... there. Hopefully I'll find something that'll help a little.

What is your #oneword2016?

Thursday, December 31, 2015


It's been a little while since I've posted. And by a little while I mean lots of months - almost five. Actually, believe it or not, a lot of things have happened and changed. I've been to the hospital... what? two more times? One was the emergency room, but they let me go, which I thought at the time was a mistake. The other time was for electroconvulsive shock therapy (ECT) - yes, they still do that. But more on that later (I promise). I'm almost done with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group, although my individual therapist wants me to go through it again. I went from sleeping more than my high school self would have ever thought possible (12+ hours a night and still feeling exhausted) to not being able to sleep again. Luckily, it's just the falling asleep part I'm struggling with. Once I get to sleep I can go back to sleep when I wake up. I keep planning on asking my pdoc about it, but I feel bad bothering him over break, so I keep skipping it. Also, it would involve me going on another medication, which, if you keep reading, you'll find is a thing we don't want. And well, a lot more has happened, really.

I know what you really want to hear about is the ECT, but you have to wait for that. Instead I'll do a boring yearly blog recap. Although, if you want my honest opinion on New Year's stuff, I suggest you read the post I wrote a few years ago entitled "You Say You Want A Resolution..." because that's still true. However, if you would like to answer the question at the bottom of that post: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW? please comment on THIS post and not that post.

This year's blog recap is pretty simple since I had so few posts.
Here is the top post of each month:

April: Couch to 10k?
June: "Everything is Different the Second Time Around"
July: a thread
August: Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
December: Oopsies

Other updates to my past posts of this year,
Couch to 10k? and So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out? I did stop the couch to 10k program again. At the beginning of the semester I was taking 22 hours (to drop down to 11 later). And at one point I was walking home from campus every night of the week. It was too much for me, so I stopped. And I never started back up.

School and Mental Illness I ended up dropping Organic Chemistry, but ended up getting the only perfect score on the final in the class I was doing well in. And I did make an A in the class.

Sadly, the picture in a thread is still how I feel - even after all the DBT and the post Starting DBT and Hope, hope is still a think I lack.

And, as far as meds go, I am doing a med wash - gradually stopping all my meds. This is because they don't seem to be working. Which of course gives me SO much hope since the ECT didn't work. But, that's for another post. Or maybe not. Follow my med wash on my My Med Story post.

I think that's all I want to say for now. But tune in soon for more.

And I ask again: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW?

And/or: It's been awhile - how have you been doing?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)

Hi guys,

So I wrote a guest post for Hannah, who is currently a medical student and who has a fantabulous lifestyle blog about mental illness and fashion. You should really check out her blog Pull Yourself Together. She has some really great posts about her experiences of mental illness.

This is Hannah

She asked for guest bloggers on Twitter  and I responded. She helped me come up with the topic of writing about my experience in partial hospitalization (PHP).

You can read the post by clicking the link below and going to her blog.

You can also follow her on Bloglovin', Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter. Or, all of the above.
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