Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)

Hi guys,

So I wrote a guest post for Hannah, who is currently a medical student and who has a fantabulous lifestyle blog about mental illness and fashion. You should really check out her blog Pull Yourself Together. She has some really great posts about her experiences of mental illness.

This is Hannah

She asked for guest bloggers on Twitter  and I responded. She helped me come up with the topic of writing about my experience in partial hospitalization (PHP).

You can read the post by clicking the link below and going to her blog.

You can also follow her on Bloglovin', Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter. Or, all of the above.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?

See, I feel like coming out is not for me. I feel like gays and lesbiens come out. Transgender people come out. Genderfluid people come out. Bisexuals come out. Even pansexuals. But asexuals? We don't need to come out. Do we? We're the crazy (especially in my case) cat ladies. And we know it.

Why would we need to come out? We simply are not attracted to anyone.

And yet here I am. Coming out as an aromantic asexual.

For those of you who don't know what that means -- it means that I have no sexual attraction to anyone. It is the lack of a sexuality, It is different from absence or celibacy. Which are a choice. Being an asexual is not a choice just like being herosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and all of the other sexuals that I haven't mentioned. Aromantic means that I have no I have no romantic attraction to others as well. There are romantic x-sexuals and there are aromantic asexuals. It means I do not have an emotional need to be with someone else. That is not to say I don't have the desire to be friends with other people. I do. A lot. But that is different.

Courtney from Courtney's Voice has a great post on the difference between romantic and sexual orientation if I didn't do it justice.

I've never had a crush. Not once. One time I thought I had a crush (on my AP Music Theory teacher no less!), but then after I was told what a crush really felt like, I realized it was a friend crush. Which I do get. I define a friend crush as wanting to be friends with someone. I do miss him. Maybe I'll see if he remembers me and wants to get coffee sometime.

Now many people think that this means I do not have the capacity to love. This is absolutely incorrect. I love a lot of people, even though I have a thing about saying the word love. I can't even say "love you" to my parents on the phone. I just sit there in silence awkwardly. But I think that has to do with mental illness. However, my love is always platonic. The way you love your parents, or your siblings, or your friends (unless of course you're Oedipus or Jaime and Cersei).

I haven't come out come out to my parents. I've told them that they probably won't get any biological grandchildren from me (which they want). And I've told them that I'm not going to fall in love. But they're insistent that I just haven't met the right guy yet. And maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm not asexual. But until that day comes I'm going to continue to identify as being asexual.


I did start a new medication. And after an episode I am definitely off the stimulant I was on before, but so far the new medication seems to be working alright.

I'm halfway through week three (of fifteen) of couch to 10k. I know I started it a long time ago, but I took a break after my trip to the hospital. And didn't start back up until two and a half weeks ago.

Um, I can't think of anything else to update on. It's been three full months since I've been to the hospital. Go me.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Starting DBT and Hope

Note: I wrote the first part of this two days ago. And then I changed the dates. And I don't want to change them again. Sooo.

Yesterday I started real DBT. I've been seeing the DBT counselor for awhile, but I started group yesterday. In order to start group, to officially start DBT I had to make a big commitment. Actually I had to agree to three things. I don't remember the second two. But, they were like use skills or call him if I have a crisis or something like that. Like I said I don't remember them at all. But the first stipulation was that I wouldn't kill myself for a year. At first he said six months, (My treatment plan is to stay in this therapy for either six months or a year. And if I have no results we would discuss changing therapies - they would refer me out since they're DBT specialists. Although if I go to grad school on the West Coast I don't know what they'll/I'll do. I'm terrified. I digress.) but then he said if I did it January 21st he'd feel "really shitty," so he made it a year. I said, finally, "I guess," to the stipulations. Making a pact not to kill myself. It was a very hard thing to agree to do. It's so far in the future. But he said as long as I couldn't promise it, I couldn't do group and continue therapy with them any further. Since the counseling center won't take me back, I'd have to go to Columbia Area Mental Health Center which is not the best place to go, and I would have to walk a lot further to get there. So I agreed. So you guys are with me for at least another year. (I know that's over the top - you guys adore me.)

My first group, well, it was difficult. I had a panic attack right away. And I don't really remember what happened. I know we talked about the wise mind. Which I had drilled into me every day at the hospital and PHP. I do remember my homework which was to observe, describe, and participate. And I've already done all those things. So I guess I didn't really procrastinate on it? I didn't fill out the worksheets, but I don't have to I don't think. I just have to talk about it for three minutes. And I wrote it out basically what I'm going to say. So that helps.


In other news. I've decided what I want to do when I "grow up!" I want to go into clinical neuropsychopharmacology. What is that you ask? Well, break it down. "Clinical" I want to be with people and prescribe medication. "Neuro" the brain. "Psycho" mental illness. "Pharmacology" medicine. I want to know what medicine does in the brain and prescribe medicine to people with mental illnesses. Or, for more information go to the neuropsychopharmacology wikipedia page. Here's a YouTube clip from a musical called "Next to Normal" which is about the family dynamics with a mom who has bipolar disorder. The song is called "Who's Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I." I recommend the song. It's one of my favorite song from "Next to Normal" which if you haven't seen, you should.

hopefully I'll have people feeling better than this

Also, I've been taking an over the counter diet pill stimulant, which has helped my ideation immensely. So next week we're going to tweak my medications again and see what happens. I actually have hope that this is going to work. And my psychiatrist and I are going to pretend I didn't recommend this two winters ago if it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. What do I have to lose? But I have my life to gain.

I know that last post was dark and might have scared a few of you. Well, due to the stimulant I'm feeling much better than that now. And like I said, I actually have hope. Those of you who have known me a while know that I don't hope. I don't have hope. But right now I do. And it's amazing.

I'll let you know how next group goes next week. I might also wait until I get on the actual medication so I can report. So expect a post Fridayish? Except I have a few posts I've written that I've been waiting to post so I might post one of those in between. Anyways, sorry, I'm rambling.

What's your medication story? Here's mine. I've updated today it say dosages. If you have any questions about any psych medication I'm good at those too. Ask away!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

a thread

This post is more depressing and definitely more raw than my other posts. I've been feeling not so great so here it is (trigger warning):

a thread

i stand upon a thread
stretched like a tightrope
waiting for it to break
or for me to slip and fall

most are hanging by a thread
waiting for it to snap
i stand on it
waiting for it to break

except i find
that it has already broken
and i am free falling

will something catch me?
or will i fall to my death?

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