Thursday, January 7, 2016

Me #oneword2016

One of my favorite bloggers (and writers... if you have not read Furiously Happy you're doing something wrong) is The Bloggess. She wrote a post called Simple #oneword2016. And she asked us to pick one word for 2016. Her word was "simplify" simplified to "simple." The word I chose was "me."

Interesting choice of word, right? Maybe. I picked "me" because I know I need to focus more on myself than others right now. Being an empath, I spend a lot of time well... empathizing. And while this trait is good, especially in the helping field, which I want to go into, there is a point where it can be too much. Letting others' emotions get to you can be overwhelming. And I want to learn a healthy balance of empathy and selfishness...? Is that the opposite of empathy? I don't know. Close enough.

I also need to focus on myself and my recovery. I need to learn to do things I enjoy. I need to learn how to be content. And I need to learn, really learn, that depression lies. So many things I need to learn to recovery. And not just learn but know. Truly know.

Completely different update (what else is new, right?): As far as sleep goes... it's not. I'm still struggling to fall asleep. I asked my pdoc to change my meds again. Which is a little embarrassing since I saw him yesterday. But you know, we're all friend here... there. Hopefully I'll find something that'll help a little.

What is your #oneword2016?

Thursday, December 31, 2015


It's been a little while since I've posted. And by a little while I mean lots of months - almost five. Actually, believe it or not, a lot of things have happened and changed. I've been to the hospital... what? two more times? One was the emergency room, but they let me go, which I thought at the time was a mistake. The other time was for electroconvulsive shock therapy (ECT) - yes, they still do that. But more on that later (I promise). I'm almost done with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group, although my individual therapist wants me to go through it again. I went from sleeping more than my high school self would have ever thought possible (12+ hours a night and still feeling exhausted) to not being able to sleep again. Luckily, it's just the falling asleep part I'm struggling with. Once I get to sleep I can go back to sleep when I wake up. I keep planning on asking my pdoc about it, but I feel bad bothering him over break, so I keep skipping it. Also, it would involve me going on another medication, which, if you keep reading, you'll find is a thing we don't want. And well, a lot more has happened, really.

I know what you really want to hear about is the ECT, but you have to wait for that. Instead I'll do a boring yearly blog recap. Although, if you want my honest opinion on New Year's stuff, I suggest you read the post I wrote a few years ago entitled "You Say You Want A Resolution..." because that's still true. However, if you would like to answer the question at the bottom of that post: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW? please comment on THIS post and not that post.

This year's blog recap is pretty simple since I had so few posts.
Here is the top post of each month:

April: Couch to 10k?
June: "Everything is Different the Second Time Around"
July: a thread
August: Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
December: Oopsies

Other updates to my past posts of this year,
Couch to 10k? and So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out? I did stop the couch to 10k program again. At the beginning of the semester I was taking 22 hours (to drop down to 11 later). And at one point I was walking home from campus every night of the week. It was too much for me, so I stopped. And I never started back up.

School and Mental Illness I ended up dropping Organic Chemistry, but ended up getting the only perfect score on the final in the class I was doing well in. And I did make an A in the class.

Sadly, the picture in a thread is still how I feel - even after all the DBT and the post Starting DBT and Hope, hope is still a think I lack.

And, as far as meds go, I am doing a med wash - gradually stopping all my meds. This is because they don't seem to be working. Which of course gives me SO much hope since the ECT didn't work. But, that's for another post. Or maybe not. Follow my med wash on my My Med Story post.

I think that's all I want to say for now. But tune in soon for more.

And I ask again: What changes do you plan to make in the new year? Or, better yet, what changes are you going to make RIGHT NOW?

And/or: It's been awhile - how have you been doing?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Guest Post: Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)

Hi guys,

So I wrote a guest post for Hannah, who is currently a medical student and who has a fantabulous lifestyle blog about mental illness and fashion. You should really check out her blog Pull Yourself Together. She has some really great posts about her experiences of mental illness.

This is Hannah

She asked for guest bloggers on Twitter  and I responded. She helped me come up with the topic of writing about my experience in partial hospitalization (PHP).

You can read the post by clicking the link below and going to her blog.

You can also follow her on Bloglovin', Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter. Or, all of the above.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?

See, I feel like coming out is not for me. I feel like gays and lesbiens come out. Transgender people come out. Genderfluid people come out. Bisexuals come out. Even pansexuals. But asexuals? We don't need to come out. Do we? We're the crazy (especially in my case) cat ladies. And we know it.

Why would we need to come out? We simply are not attracted to anyone.

And yet here I am. Coming out as an aromantic asexual.

For those of you who don't know what that means -- it means that I have no sexual attraction to anyone. It is the lack of a sexuality, It is different from absence or celibacy. Which are a choice. Being an asexual is not a choice just like being herosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and all of the other sexuals that I haven't mentioned. Aromantic means that I have no I have no romantic attraction to others as well. There are romantic x-sexuals and there are aromantic asexuals. It means I do not have an emotional need to be with someone else. That is not to say I don't have the desire to be friends with other people. I do. A lot. But that is different.

Courtney from Courtney's Voice has a great post on the difference between romantic and sexual orientation if I didn't do it justice.

I've never had a crush. Not once. One time I thought I had a crush (on my AP Music Theory teacher no less!), but then after I was told what a crush really felt like, I realized it was a friend crush. Which I do get. I define a friend crush as wanting to be friends with someone. I do miss him. Maybe I'll see if he remembers me and wants to get coffee sometime.

Now many people think that this means I do not have the capacity to love. This is absolutely incorrect. I love a lot of people, even though I have a thing about saying the word love. I can't even say "love you" to my parents on the phone. I just sit there in silence awkwardly. But I think that has to do with mental illness. However, my love is always platonic. The way you love your parents, or your siblings, or your friends (unless of course you're Oedipus or Jaime and Cersei).

I haven't come out come out to my parents. I've told them that they probably won't get any biological grandchildren from me (which they want). And I've told them that I'm not going to fall in love. But they're insistent that I just haven't met the right guy yet. And maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm not asexual. But until that day comes I'm going to continue to identify as being asexual.


I did start a new medication. And after an episode I am definitely off the stimulant I was on before, but so far the new medication seems to be working alright.

I'm halfway through week three (of fifteen) of couch to 10k. I know I started it a long time ago, but I took a break after my trip to the hospital. And didn't start back up until two and a half weeks ago.

Um, I can't think of anything else to update on. It's been three full months since I've been to the hospital. Go me.
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