So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?

See, I feel like coming out is not for me. I feel like gays and lesbiens come out. Transgender people come out. Genderfluid people come out. Bisexuals come out. Even pansexuals. But asexuals? We don't need to come out. Do we? We're the crazy (especially in my case) cat ladies. And we know it.

Why would we need to come out? We simply are not attracted to anyone.

And yet here I am. Coming out as an aromantic asexual.

For those of you who don't know what that means -- it means that I have no sexual attraction to anyone. It is the lack of a sexuality, It is different from absence or celibacy. Which are a choice. Being an asexual is not a choice just like being herosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and all of the other sexuals that I haven't mentioned. Aromantic means that I have no I have no romantic attraction to others as well. There are romantic x-sexuals and there are aromantic asexuals. It means I do not have an emotional need to be with someone else. That is not to say I don't have the desire to be friends with other people. I do. A lot. But that is different.

Courtney from Courtney's Voice has a great post on the difference between romantic and sexual orientation if I didn't do it justice.

I've never had a crush. Not once. One time I thought I had a crush (on my AP Music Theory teacher no less!), but then after I was told what a crush really felt like, I realized it was a friend crush. Which I do get. I define a friend crush as wanting to be friends with someone. I do miss him. Maybe I'll see if he remembers me and wants to get coffee sometime.

Now many people think that this means I do not have the capacity to love. This is absolutely incorrect. I love a lot of people, even though I have a thing about saying the word love. I can't even say "love you" to my parents on the phone. I just sit there in silence awkwardly. But I think that has to do with mental illness. However, my love is always platonic. The way you love your parents, or your siblings, or your friends (unless of course you're Oedipus or Jaime and Cersei).

I haven't come out come out to my parents. I've told them that they probably won't get any biological grandchildren from me (which they want). And I've told them that I'm not going to fall in love. But they're insistent that I just haven't met the right guy yet. And maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm not asexual. But until that day comes I'm going to continue to identify as being asexual.

Update:

I did start a new medication. And after an episode I am definitely off the stimulant I was on before, but so far the new medication seems to be working alright.

I'm halfway through week three (of fifteen) of couch to 10k. I know I started it a long time ago, but I took a break after my trip to the hospital. And didn't start back up until two and a half weeks ago.

Um, I can't think of anything else to update on. It's been three full months since I've been to the hospital. Go me.

Starting DBT and Hope

Note: I wrote the first part of this two days ago. And then I changed the dates. And I don't want to change them again. Sooo.

Yesterday I started real DBT. I've been seeing the DBT counselor for awhile, but I started group yesterday. In order to start group, to officially start DBT I had to make a big commitment. Actually I had to agree to three things. I don't remember the second two. But, they were like use skills or call him if I have a crisis or something like that. Like I said I don't remember them at all. But the first stipulation was that I wouldn't kill myself for a year. At first he said six months, (My treatment plan is to stay in this therapy for either six months or a year. And if I have no results we would discuss changing therapies - they would refer me out since they're DBT specialists. Although if I go to grad school on the West Coast I don't know what they'll/I'll do. I'm terrified. I digress.) but then he said if I did it January 21st he'd feel "really shitty," so he made it a year. I said, finally, "I guess," to the stipulations. Making a pact not to kill myself. It was a very hard thing to agree to do. It's so far in the future. But he said as long as I couldn't promise it, I couldn't do group and continue therapy with them any further. Since the counseling center won't take me back, I'd have to go to Columbia Area Mental Health Center which is not the best place to go, and I would have to walk a lot further to get there. So I agreed. So you guys are with me for at least another year. (I know that's over the top - you guys adore me.)

My first group, well, it was difficult. I had a panic attack right away. And I don't really remember what happened. I know we talked about the wise mind. Which I had drilled into me every day at the hospital and PHP. I do remember my homework which was to observe, describe, and participate. And I've already done all those things. So I guess I didn't really procrastinate on it? I didn't fill out the worksheets, but I don't have to I don't think. I just have to talk about it for three minutes. And I wrote it out basically what I'm going to say. So that helps.

Ugh.

In other news. I've decided what I want to do when I "grow up!" I want to go into clinical neuropsychopharmacology. What is that you ask? Well, break it down. "Clinical" I want to be with people and prescribe medication. "Neuro" the brain. "Psycho" mental illness. "Pharmacology" medicine. I want to know what medicine does in the brain and prescribe medicine to people with mental illnesses. Or, for more information go to the neuropsychopharmacology wikipedia page. Here's a YouTube clip from a musical called "Next to Normal" which is about the family dynamics with a mom who has bipolar disorder. The song is called "Who's Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I." I recommend the song. It's one of my favorite song from "Next to Normal" which if you haven't seen, you should.

hopefully I'll have people feeling better than this

Also, I've been taking an over the counter diet pill stimulant, which has helped my ideation immensely. So next week we're going to tweak my medications again and see what happens. I actually have hope that this is going to work. And my psychiatrist and I are going to pretend I didn't recommend this two winters ago if it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. What do I have to lose? But I have my life to gain.

I know that last post was dark and might have scared a few of you. Well, due to the stimulant I'm feeling much better than that now. And like I said, I actually have hope. Those of you who have known me a while know that I don't hope. I don't have hope. But right now I do. And it's amazing.

I'll let you know how next group goes next week. I might also wait until I get on the actual medication so I can report. So expect a post Fridayish? Except I have a few posts I've written that I've been waiting to post so I might post one of those in between. Anyways, sorry, I'm rambling.

What's your medication story? Here's mine. I've updated today it say dosages. If you have any questions about any psych medication I'm good at those too. Ask away!

Preparing for Busch Gardens

This week I'm going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg. I'll post pictures later if I remember to take any. Usually I don't do much sightseeing. Also, I'd rather be living in the moment and look around than take a bunch of pictures. But I'll try to remember. I also prefer to go on rides with my baby sister while my parents think we're going to die. I think roller coasters are safer than driving, but they don't agree. Last time we went to Busch Gardens (in Tampa) my dad got a huge collection of pictures of animal butts. For some reason that was the only angle he could take. Animals kept turning around every time he held up the camera. My pictures may end up being just that as well.

I'm a little nervous about hiding/taking my medication while we're on vacation. It's always worked before, but it still worries me. Although, I guess, I don't have to be that secretive about it anymore since my parents are no longer quite in the dark. I wish they still were. More on that later. But they only think I'm on one medication - when I'm actually on five.

looking forward to this one

Image credit: Wikipedia

In other news, I'm in a really good mood today. I'm not quite sure why that is, but I'll take it. It might be because I just started zolpidem (Ambien), and it's helping me get the right type of sleep, even though it takes longer than it should to kick in. Or it might be my newish antidepressant kicking in. I'm probably being too optimistic, maybe it's just a good day. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining!

My Med Story

I know that I'm always curious about others and the medications they've tried, and I know a lot of bloggers have pages that explain what they're taking. I just started on a new medication. So, I decided to do a post.

I've been on psychiatric medications since December of 2012. After a psychotic episode my therapist and I decided that it was probably the way to go. On the bright side, I have not had a psychotic episode since I started on medication.

One of my psychotic episodes happened while I was home on fall break from school. My air conditioner was off, but it was moving. For those of you who have never experienced visual hallucinations -- they're fucking terrifying. Appliances that are off shouldn't move. Yeah, I know, how do I know it was off? And so on. I've heard it all. Just trust me. It was moving. And it was scary. I was so scared I texted one of my friends I was on rocky grounds with. Because I didn't know what else to do. At the time I was still half in the closet, but working my way out, with most of my friends. I ended up leaving the room to take a shower. When I came back it was still moving. Very scary.

When I told my therapist, through a letter because I was too scared to tell her outright, she said the next step was medication. And I hadn't started on it right away because of my inability to talk to people. Apparently psychiatrists aren't as tolerant with anxiety disorders as therapists are.

The medications I have tried in various combinations in the order of being prescribed them:
The medications I am currently on are bolded.
The dosage I am current on is italicized.

Last Updated: 4/18/18

Zoloft (sertraline)

Desyrel (trazodone)

Vistaril (hydroxyzine)

Effexor (venlafaxine)

Remeron (mirtazapine) 

Klonopin (clonazepam)

Wellbutrin (bupropion)

Xanax (alprazolam) – 0.5 mg tid

Deplin (l-methylfolate)

Inderal (propranolol)

Abilify (aripiprazole)

Strattera (atomoxetine)

Viibryd (vilazodone)

Cymbalta (duloxetine)

Ambien (zolpidem)

Emsam (selegiline transdermal system)

Lamictal (lamotrigine)

Pristiq (desvenlafaxine)

Lunesta (eszopiclone) 

Concerta (methylphenidate ER)

Brin/Trintellix (vortioxetine) – 20 mg

Seroquel (quetiapine)

Eskalith (lithium) – 2x300 mg bid

Norpramin (desipramine)

BuSpar (buspirone)

Lexapro (escitalopram)

Provigil (modafinil)

Lyrica (pregabalin)

Nuvigil (armodafinil)

Elavil (amitriptyline) – 75 mg

Neurontin (gabapentin)

Adderall (amphetamine salts) – 10-20 mg prn

Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) – 60 mg

Vraylar (cariprazine) – 1.5 mg

Restoril (temazepam) – 30 mg

ProSom (estazolam) – 2 mg

Sonata (zaleplon) – 10mg

I plan on making a link to this page on my About Me page and keep it updated the best I remember.

And as always, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

"Art"

I drew the political cartoon in the car a few days ago and the other picture some time a few weeks ago. Since everyone is posting recaps of the year, I decided I need to share my art.

Best way to control someone.

Except really.

Don't quit my day job, I know. Speaking of that, last night I sort of had a meltdown/crisis and decided that I need to drop out of school and become an artist. I know, I'm already so fabulous there's not much left to do. Then I decided I need to stay in school and take all of the classes until I'm a good enough artist to leave school - so basically take every class they offer. Twice. I decided that I never want to be in charge of ethics, and I don't want to be leading it because I know technology will get out of hand, if it hasn't already, and life as we know it will be like a dystopian book. I'm afraid this will happen in my lifetime. I don't mind documenting it, as an artist. But I don't want to be the one making the decisions, as a researcher.

I think I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and post either my most popular or favorite post for each month.

July - Hair Yoga and Other Stories
August - Best Tattoo Artist - Part One
September - English Brain vs. Science Brain
October - The Stigma
November - Cooking Fails Part Two
December - Goals and Disappointments and Obligatory Holiday Post (they have the same number of views, shut up)

If there's any of those you haven't read, I would remedy that real quick.

Also stay tuned for my sixth month anniversary giveaway.

Because That's How Grammar Works

I know I haven't brought mental illness up much since my fabulous post on stigma, but that's because I'm doing much better. We've finally found a medication, or medication combination that helps me a lot. Of course we've also found out I have other issues that were initially covered up. Because nothing can be easy.

Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist and these are a few conversation clips....

him: *googles something I said that he didn't know about a drug*
him: you're right, you're right
me: *cracks up*
him: *looks questioningly*
me: I was going to say 'see, I'm not crazy,' but then I realized well, I am in here

him: allergic to latex?
me: yeah
him: drugs?
me: *looks down at the three brand name drugs I had just been given in the office* um... yes...
him: okay, okay. allergic to any drugs?
me: oh, no

Today, on my abnormal test I finished my essay with "I made-up for the run-on sentence in the beginning of this essay with making lots of short sentences at the end. Because that's how grammar works."

This is for the same teacher who put something about people excreting oxycontin on the exam. Our only other test had the same mistake on it. Admittedly we had a different teach then. But that's beside the point.

Anyone have any fun doctor stories? Exam stories? (oxymoron, I know)