Starting DBT and Hope

Note: I wrote the first part of this two days ago. And then I changed the dates. And I don't want to change them again. Sooo.

Yesterday I started real DBT. I've been seeing the DBT counselor for awhile, but I started group yesterday. In order to start group, to officially start DBT I had to make a big commitment. Actually I had to agree to three things. I don't remember the second two. But, they were like use skills or call him if I have a crisis or something like that. Like I said I don't remember them at all. But the first stipulation was that I wouldn't kill myself for a year. At first he said six months, (My treatment plan is to stay in this therapy for either six months or a year. And if I have no results we would discuss changing therapies - they would refer me out since they're DBT specialists. Although if I go to grad school on the West Coast I don't know what they'll/I'll do. I'm terrified. I digress.) but then he said if I did it January 21st he'd feel "really shitty," so he made it a year. I said, finally, "I guess," to the stipulations. Making a pact not to kill myself. It was a very hard thing to agree to do. It's so far in the future. But he said as long as I couldn't promise it, I couldn't do group and continue therapy with them any further. Since the counseling center won't take me back, I'd have to go to Columbia Area Mental Health Center which is not the best place to go, and I would have to walk a lot further to get there. So I agreed. So you guys are with me for at least another year. (I know that's over the top - you guys adore me.)

My first group, well, it was difficult. I had a panic attack right away. And I don't really remember what happened. I know we talked about the wise mind. Which I had drilled into me every day at the hospital and PHP. I do remember my homework which was to observe, describe, and participate. And I've already done all those things. So I guess I didn't really procrastinate on it? I didn't fill out the worksheets, but I don't have to I don't think. I just have to talk about it for three minutes. And I wrote it out basically what I'm going to say. So that helps.

Ugh.

In other news. I've decided what I want to do when I "grow up!" I want to go into clinical neuropsychopharmacology. What is that you ask? Well, break it down. "Clinical" I want to be with people and prescribe medication. "Neuro" the brain. "Psycho" mental illness. "Pharmacology" medicine. I want to know what medicine does in the brain and prescribe medicine to people with mental illnesses. Or, for more information go to the neuropsychopharmacology wikipedia page. Here's a YouTube clip from a musical called "Next to Normal" which is about the family dynamics with a mom who has bipolar disorder. The song is called "Who's Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I." I recommend the song. It's one of my favorite song from "Next to Normal" which if you haven't seen, you should.

hopefully I'll have people feeling better than this

Also, I've been taking an over the counter diet pill stimulant, which has helped my ideation immensely. So next week we're going to tweak my medications again and see what happens. I actually have hope that this is going to work. And my psychiatrist and I are going to pretend I didn't recommend this two winters ago if it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. What do I have to lose? But I have my life to gain.

I know that last post was dark and might have scared a few of you. Well, due to the stimulant I'm feeling much better than that now. And like I said, I actually have hope. Those of you who have known me a while know that I don't hope. I don't have hope. But right now I do. And it's amazing.

I'll let you know how next group goes next week. I might also wait until I get on the actual medication so I can report. So expect a post Fridayish? Except I have a few posts I've written that I've been waiting to post so I might post one of those in between. Anyways, sorry, I'm rambling.

What's your medication story? Here's mine. I've updated today it say dosages. If you have any questions about any psych medication I'm good at those too. Ask away!

Preparing for Busch Gardens

This week I'm going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg. I'll post pictures later if I remember to take any. Usually I don't do much sightseeing. Also, I'd rather be living in the moment and look around than take a bunch of pictures. But I'll try to remember. I also prefer to go on rides with my baby sister while my parents think we're going to die. I think roller coasters are safer than driving, but they don't agree. Last time we went to Busch Gardens (in Tampa) my dad got a huge collection of pictures of animal butts. For some reason that was the only angle he could take. Animals kept turning around every time he held up the camera. My pictures may end up being just that as well.

I'm a little nervous about hiding/taking my medication while we're on vacation. It's always worked before, but it still worries me. Although, I guess, I don't have to be that secretive about it anymore since my parents are no longer quite in the dark. I wish they still were. More on that later. But they only think I'm on one medication - when I'm actually on five.

looking forward to this one

Image credit: Wikipedia

In other news, I'm in a really good mood today. I'm not quite sure why that is, but I'll take it. It might be because I just started zolpidem (Ambien), and it's helping me get the right type of sleep, even though it takes longer than it should to kick in. Or it might be my newish antidepressant kicking in. I'm probably being too optimistic, maybe it's just a good day. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining!

My Med Story

I know that I'm always curious about others and the medications they've tried, and I know a lot of bloggers have pages that explain what they're taking. I just started on a new medication. So, I decided to do a post.

I've been on psychiatric medications since December of 2012. After a psychotic episode my therapist and I decided that it was probably the way to go. On the bright side, I have not had a psychotic episode since I started on medication.

One of my psychotic episodes happened while I was home on fall break from school. My air conditioner was off, but it was moving. For those of you who have never experienced visual hallucinations -- they're fucking terrifying. Appliances that are off shouldn't move. Yeah, I know, how do I know it was off? And so on. I've heard it all. Just trust me. It was moving. And it was scary. I was so scared I texted one of my friends I was on rocky grounds with. Because I didn't know what else to do. At the time I was still half in the closet, but working my way out, with most of my friends. I ended up leaving the room to take a shower. When I came back it was still moving. Very scary.

When I told my therapist, through a letter because I was too scared to tell her outright, she said the next step was medication. And I hadn't started on it right away because of my inability to talk to people. Apparently psychiatrists aren't as tolerant with anxiety disorders as therapists are.

The medications I have tried in various combinations in the order of being prescribed them:
The medications I am currently on are bolded.
The dosage I am current on is italicized.

Last Updated: 4/18/18

Zoloft (sertraline)

Desyrel (trazodone)

Vistaril (hydroxyzine)

Effexor (venlafaxine)

Remeron (mirtazapine) 

Klonopin (clonazepam)

Wellbutrin (bupropion)

Xanax (alprazolam) – 0.5 mg tid

Deplin (l-methylfolate)

Inderal (propranolol)

Abilify (aripiprazole)

Strattera (atomoxetine)

Viibryd (vilazodone)

Cymbalta (duloxetine)

Ambien (zolpidem)

Emsam (selegiline transdermal system)

Lamictal (lamotrigine)

Pristiq (desvenlafaxine)

Lunesta (eszopiclone) 

Concerta (methylphenidate ER)

Brin/Trintellix (vortioxetine) – 20 mg

Seroquel (quetiapine)

Eskalith (lithium) – 2x300 mg bid

Norpramin (desipramine)

BuSpar (buspirone)

Lexapro (escitalopram)

Provigil (modafinil)

Lyrica (pregabalin)

Nuvigil (armodafinil)

Elavil (amitriptyline) – 75 mg

Neurontin (gabapentin)

Adderall (amphetamine salts) – 10-20 mg prn

Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) – 60 mg

Vraylar (cariprazine) – 1.5 mg

Restoril (temazepam) – 30 mg

ProSom (estazolam) – 2 mg

Sonata (zaleplon) – 10mg

I plan on making a link to this page on my About Me page and keep it updated the best I remember.

And as always, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

I'm just going to dive right in....

So, in my prescription of Wellbutrin came one of those little packets that if you eat it you are guaranteed to die. And I thought that that was kinda of ironic (note: modern ADs are made so that it’s very difficult to OD. They’re not like the MAOIs which I’m not allowed to possess).
But doesn't there just seem something wrong with that picture?

Mind you at that pharmacy they only have that one prescription and don't know about everything else I'm taking. I'm probably on more drugs than most inpatient... patients... but still. It's like do you want some poison with your ADs? I’d like to think that the people at Walgreens would take it out. Or the people at my Walgreens. It’s so weird when the people at the Walgreens by here need my ID. At the other Walgreens they know me really well. We always joke about how screwed up I am. Well, I do. They laugh which makes me feel a little better.
But I don’t even need to tell them my name or anything. When they see me they grab my prescriptions. Cause we’re buddies. Or maybe I'm just in there a lot.... Anyways....

Also, don’t worry. I threw away the toxic die if you eat thing away promptly.

For pictures go to this post.