School and Mental Illness

Let's just say it's not a happy combination.

Today, while I was having a panic attack, for reasons still unknown to me, the teacher had me come up in front of the class with my "lesbian partner" (we have family groups in my family counseling class) and have a therapy session with him. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I hadn't been paying attention in class due to the crying and panic. And, actually, I've never paid much attention in class anyways. We had our session. I let her (my lesbian partner) answer most of the questions. I just sort of nodded along. I'm not on currently any fast acting anxiety medications. Instead I'm on a long lasting anti-anxiety medication twice a day. For a list of what I'm currently taking check out this post. However that doesn't help when I feel like I'm about to throw up, and I'm having a panic attack.

The worst thing was that the professor knew what was going on. He could see it. He's a counselor himself. He could see me mostly successfully holding back tears, but not completely. He could see the panic in my eyes when I looked at him. The tapping of my foot. But he asked me to do it anyways. I understand that it was in the lesson plan, but still.

Another class I'm taking is Organic Chemistry Two. How's that going? Not well. I got a 30% on my first exam. I've decided to drop the class and take a W (withdraw). But I haven't done it yet, I'm kind of scared to. Also, I feel like a failure doing it. Because I know I can do it. I know I can. I do. If I put in the time. And I just can't seem to do that. Therefore, I can't do the class. I spend too much of my time sleeping and recovering and doing nothing.

My third class is going really well. My professor today told me I made the highest grade in the class on our first exam (a 93%). When I first saw the grade I was disappointed. I thought I could do better. But after finding out it was the highest grade in the class I felt much better. Also, he said there is a very good chance I can do research with him in the fall. Which is exciting because he's a neuroscientist. And working in a neuroscience lab and getting a letter of recommendation from a neuroscience professor is good when applying to PhD programs for neuroscience. As long as I don't have to sacrifice anything. I absolutely refuse to do that. Point blank refuse.

My last two summer classes were Cellular and Molecular Biology and Young Adult Literature which went alright. I got an A in YA Lit and a C in Cellular and Molecular Biology. Which I'm content with. Although I really wanted a B in Cellular and Molecular Biology. As part of YA Lit I wrote two chapters set in the psychiatric emergency room and the children's psychiatric ward, if any of you want to read it. Just send me an email ats cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com or comment below. At this time I do not plan on writing any more of it.

Also, while on the topic of mental illness and school, as many of you know Spring of 2014, I took a medical withdraw. I don't know if I mentioned it in post about it or not. I don't remember. But that was also due to mental illness. So yay mental illness and school. I was unable to attend classes. And couldn't be in Columbia. I needed to be in Charleston. Although, it is interesting that I made it through school last semester (with my best GPA to date!) while missing four non-consecutive weeks of classes due to being in the mental hospital three times plus partial hospitalization.

Are any of you taking summer classes? If so how are they going? How has mental illness affected your school/work/etc. experience?

More Lab Shenanigans

So of course the last organic chemistry lab has to be more eventful. Because it's the last lab.

First of all, our TA tells us it's going to be "by far" the longest lab. Why? Why? would they make the last lab the longest? That's just a bad idea right there.

At least our quiz wasn't bad. If I had been studying instead of on Twitter right before it I could have made a 100%.

So we get into lab and at first it's uneventful. We're supposed to work by ourselves but since we had a group lab we got spoiled and have worked in groups since. Working with someone always makes the lab better.

The first incident (yes, of many) happened after we let the solution reflux (see picture below) for 30 minutes. One of my lab partners didn't know the water was still on when she disconnected the top (water out) hose. Water. Went. Everywhere. Including soaking my lab book. It was hysterical. That's the sort of thing that's only funny when you're in a group and another group sees. It's not all that funny when you're not in a group because it's happening to you. But in a group when another group sees? The other group cracks up. And then you realize how funny it is. So then you laugh too. And that's why working in groups is awesome.

Sounds sort of like what happened last year, right?

The next incident was probably the best. The group next to mine had just mixed ether into their solution (product is CO2), when they turned their separatory funnel (it's like a big glass tube that you mix stuff in and then can take layers out of the bottom with) upside down. Now, when you first add the stuff together you have to vent the funnel A LOT. Because the product is CO2. So, when they turned their funnel upside down enough CO2 was in the bottle to either break it or have the cap explode off. Luckily, it did not break. But the girl holding it got covered in solution. And the rest of her lab partners too. The best part about this one is that I just stood and watched. I watched them add the solutions together. Watched as she immediately turned the funnel upside down. Watched as substance came, no, exploded out and went everywhere. The TA happened to be walking behind them while we were staring at the aftermath. She stopped and stared. No one said anything. We just looked at the toxic substance covering the girl and the floor. It was like the world had hit a pause button. It was dead silent. Then, suddenly, everyone came back to life. I helped grab paper towels and left them to clean up the mess.

The final incident happened while I was writing up my lab report. I heard a crash. I turned around and our product was on the floor. Of course it was. Along with a (not broken!) glass flask. I still had my gloves on so I went to clean it up. Because I'm awesome. I pick up the flask and say "AHH that's hot!!" And almost drop it. But. Because I'm awesome. I managed to make it to the lab bench before letting it hit the ground again. My lab partners looked at me like "no shit it's hot," when I realized what must have happened. One of my lab partners must have picked up the flask right out of the variac (heating device... they don't want us using flames. I see why now.) and dropped it because it was hot. Our TA didn't really notice our screw up. So we didn't really point it out to her.

But the thing that phased us the most in lab? Finding out we only had to go to step 8. After we were on step 10. Finding out that the only number we needed was the initial amount of product given. The amount they told us to use. All that work, and to finish the lab we literally just needed to copy down how many grams it said to use. Sigh.

But. I have a 98 in lab right now. So, I guess that's the important thing.

I can do anything...

Except for school, and lab, and especially physics.

I'm even wearing the shirt

I think lab is something you either LOVE or HATE. I know a lot of people who HATE lab. I think my mom LOVED lab. I'm, of course, indifferent. I'm trying to lean more towards the LOVE side though, because I know I'll probably end up working in a lab. However, hopefully I will not end up doing distillations.

The device we had to set up looked like this:

Ew. I know.

Now the tube in the middle, which we were told again and again was $380, has places where water goes in and comes out. Now, I know what you're thinking, you broke the $380 tube. But that would be wrong. I actually did not break my tube. I barely even got to use my tube.

I clumsily put everything together. Sort of. But well enough. I didn't drop anything like the guy next to me, his hands covered in vacuum grease (fancy lube). No, he did not break the $380 tube either. No one broke the $380 tube. That is not where this is going. Anyways, I thought I was ready to turn on the heat and the water. But when I did, water went everywhere. And by everywhere I mean everywhere. I was soaked. My bench was soaked. Hell, the ceiling tile above me was soaked. I turned it off as quickly as I could, but it wasn't quick enough.

I looked around. The TA wasn't nearby so I quickly grabbed a bunch of paper towels and tried to clean up the mess that seemed to be out of proportion to the amount of water that should have come out of the faucet. I had barely turned it on! I figured I could clean it up really fast before anyone noticed. Looking at the device I see that not only did the water out hose unattach itself, the water in hose had done the same.

Water still everywhere, I fitted the hoses back on the nozzles. Maybe if I held the tubing where it connected, it would stay in place. Turns out that's not the case either. During my second attempt, the exact same thing happened. I turned the water on just as tentatively, if not more so, than the first time. Holding the hoses, or in my case hose, had no effect whatsoever. Especially since I had to turn the water on with one hand.

Round three, I smarten up and try to find some new hoses. However, that's an adventure in itself because there aren't any. Anywhere. Nowhere. I found one unused hose. The rest of them people were halfway through their experiment with. Third time's the charm, right? Wrong. My luck that time was just as good as the last two. By now my shirt is soaked. I look like someone came by with a supersoaker and got me and all of my stuff wet.

This is when the head of the lab walks in. And stops to talk to me. But doesn't say anything about me being soaked. Not a word. I have no clue what happened there. He was probably laughing at me in his head. Hell, I was laughing at me in my head.

By now the person next to me was already done with his experiment. I gave in and cleaned up. I knew what the data was supposed to look like anyways.

I only have lab how many more times?