So... I Guess It's Time to Come Out?

See, I feel like coming out is not for me. I feel like gays and lesbiens come out. Transgender people come out. Genderfluid people come out. Bisexuals come out. Even pansexuals. But asexuals? We don't need to come out. Do we? We're the crazy (especially in my case) cat ladies. And we know it.

Why would we need to come out? We simply are not attracted to anyone.

And yet here I am. Coming out as an aromantic asexual.

For those of you who don't know what that means -- it means that I have no sexual attraction to anyone. It is the lack of a sexuality, It is different from absence or celibacy. Which are a choice. Being an asexual is not a choice just like being herosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and all of the other sexuals that I haven't mentioned. Aromantic means that I have no I have no romantic attraction to others as well. There are romantic x-sexuals and there are aromantic asexuals. It means I do not have an emotional need to be with someone else. That is not to say I don't have the desire to be friends with other people. I do. A lot. But that is different.

Courtney from Courtney's Voice has a great post on the difference between romantic and sexual orientation if I didn't do it justice.

I've never had a crush. Not once. One time I thought I had a crush (on my AP Music Theory teacher no less!), but then after I was told what a crush really felt like, I realized it was a friend crush. Which I do get. I define a friend crush as wanting to be friends with someone. I do miss him. Maybe I'll see if he remembers me and wants to get coffee sometime.

Now many people think that this means I do not have the capacity to love. This is absolutely incorrect. I love a lot of people, even though I have a thing about saying the word love. I can't even say "love you" to my parents on the phone. I just sit there in silence awkwardly. But I think that has to do with mental illness. However, my love is always platonic. The way you love your parents, or your siblings, or your friends (unless of course you're Oedipus or Jaime and Cersei).

I haven't come out come out to my parents. I've told them that they probably won't get any biological grandchildren from me (which they want). And I've told them that I'm not going to fall in love. But they're insistent that I just haven't met the right guy yet. And maybe I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe I'm not asexual. But until that day comes I'm going to continue to identify as being asexual.

Update:

I did start a new medication. And after an episode I am definitely off the stimulant I was on before, but so far the new medication seems to be working alright.

I'm halfway through week three (of fifteen) of couch to 10k. I know I started it a long time ago, but I took a break after my trip to the hospital. And didn't start back up until two and a half weeks ago.

Um, I can't think of anything else to update on. It's been three full months since I've been to the hospital. Go me.

Couch to 10k?

So, I'm sort of jumping the gun a little bit on this one. And by sort of I mean a lot. And by a lot I mean this massive amount that I can't even put into words.

As you know, I'm not very consistent. I start projects and don't finish them. I set goals and don't really meet them. I mean if I set my mind to it I usually do. When I was at PHP we set a goal every day and I usually made them. Of course those were very small S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) goals. My goals are like huge mostly unreasonable goals. I just went over them again and they are very unmanageable not S.M.A.R.T. at all.

Anyways, there's a program called couch to 5k. It's basically for beginners, lazy people, or couch potatoes (like me) who want to start running. It's a nine week program, three days a week, where you start slow and gradually get up to running for 30 minutes at a time. I think it's a bit misleading since most people do it by time and not distance. So you can run for 30 minutes and still not have run a 5k, depending on how fast you go.

Now you might remember from my post about stigma that I started running. That lasted up until I wrote the post. Then I stopped. Fastforward a long time in the future, I used the Zombies, Run! 5k Training app for five whole weeks before stopping. Which I don't think I mentioned. I stopped in December.

Now, I'm starting again. And by starting again I mean I've done it one day. This is what I mean by jumping the gun. This time I'm using the 10k Trainer Free app. Because one of my 25 by 25 goals is to run a 10k. Which I now wish was a 5k. This app goes from nothing to running a 10k in 14 weeks. Which I do realize is like a monstrous commitment. And by nothing I mean alternating jogging for a minute and walking for a minute and a half. I'm hoping that by talking about it here, I might keep it up for a change. Although that hasn't seemed to work in the past. I just don't hold myself accountable for anything. I like this program better than the Zombies, Run! 5k program because that program has "free-form runs" which means run or walk. I like having more structure than that.

So, how did it go? Pretty well. I was able to keep up at a 3.7mph walking pace and a 4.9mph running pace with in incline of 1.0. Of course running 5.0mph for 30 minutes is not a 5k. But I figured I'd work on speed later. I could probably go a little faster if I wasn't on the treadmill, but I've seen multiple people get hurt by going too fast or slipping off. And that is not on my list of things to do. Also, my shoes suck. So, I should probably change that. I just don't want to invest in running shoes if I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know if I'm going to keep doing it. Even though I realize that it could help. Although, with me, I doubt it. Also I need money for tuition this summer.

That's another thing I'm doing. Summer school. For June and July. My parents aren't too happy about it, but it gives me space to do research in my schedule. If I can find someone who will take me anyways. I was/am in contact with one professor, but he needed/needs someone who can code a test for him. While I have coding in my background (why he was interested in me) what he wants me to do is out of my scope. If I take four classes this summer, I can take fifteen hours each of my last semesters which leaves three for research. I need to do research for my minor, so I can get into grad school, and so I can get another letter of recommendation.

I know this post is a little jumpy. But my attention is just not here there or anywhere. I guess it's not usually, but today especially. Also, over and over I'd think something, not write it down, and then keep writing. I read it over, but you might have to fill in some blanks.