School and Mental Illness

Let's just say it's not a happy combination.

Today, while I was having a panic attack, for reasons still unknown to me, the teacher had me come up in front of the class with my "lesbian partner" (we have family groups in my family counseling class) and have a therapy session with him. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I hadn't been paying attention in class due to the crying and panic. And, actually, I've never paid much attention in class anyways. We had our session. I let her (my lesbian partner) answer most of the questions. I just sort of nodded along. I'm not on currently any fast acting anxiety medications. Instead I'm on a long lasting anti-anxiety medication twice a day. For a list of what I'm currently taking check out this post. However that doesn't help when I feel like I'm about to throw up, and I'm having a panic attack.

The worst thing was that the professor knew what was going on. He could see it. He's a counselor himself. He could see me mostly successfully holding back tears, but not completely. He could see the panic in my eyes when I looked at him. The tapping of my foot. But he asked me to do it anyways. I understand that it was in the lesson plan, but still.

Another class I'm taking is Organic Chemistry Two. How's that going? Not well. I got a 30% on my first exam. I've decided to drop the class and take a W (withdraw). But I haven't done it yet, I'm kind of scared to. Also, I feel like a failure doing it. Because I know I can do it. I know I can. I do. If I put in the time. And I just can't seem to do that. Therefore, I can't do the class. I spend too much of my time sleeping and recovering and doing nothing.

My third class is going really well. My professor today told me I made the highest grade in the class on our first exam (a 93%). When I first saw the grade I was disappointed. I thought I could do better. But after finding out it was the highest grade in the class I felt much better. Also, he said there is a very good chance I can do research with him in the fall. Which is exciting because he's a neuroscientist. And working in a neuroscience lab and getting a letter of recommendation from a neuroscience professor is good when applying to PhD programs for neuroscience. As long as I don't have to sacrifice anything. I absolutely refuse to do that. Point blank refuse.

My last two summer classes were Cellular and Molecular Biology and Young Adult Literature which went alright. I got an A in YA Lit and a C in Cellular and Molecular Biology. Which I'm content with. Although I really wanted a B in Cellular and Molecular Biology. As part of YA Lit I wrote two chapters set in the psychiatric emergency room and the children's psychiatric ward, if any of you want to read it. Just send me an email ats cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com or comment below. At this time I do not plan on writing any more of it.

Also, while on the topic of mental illness and school, as many of you know Spring of 2014, I took a medical withdraw. I don't know if I mentioned it in post about it or not. I don't remember. But that was also due to mental illness. So yay mental illness and school. I was unable to attend classes. And couldn't be in Columbia. I needed to be in Charleston. Although, it is interesting that I made it through school last semester (with my best GPA to date!) while missing four non-consecutive weeks of classes due to being in the mental hospital three times plus partial hospitalization.

Are any of you taking summer classes? If so how are they going? How has mental illness affected your school/work/etc. experience?

Couch to 10k?

So, I'm sort of jumping the gun a little bit on this one. And by sort of I mean a lot. And by a lot I mean this massive amount that I can't even put into words.

As you know, I'm not very consistent. I start projects and don't finish them. I set goals and don't really meet them. I mean if I set my mind to it I usually do. When I was at PHP we set a goal every day and I usually made them. Of course those were very small S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) goals. My goals are like huge mostly unreasonable goals. I just went over them again and they are very unmanageable not S.M.A.R.T. at all.

Anyways, there's a program called couch to 5k. It's basically for beginners, lazy people, or couch potatoes (like me) who want to start running. It's a nine week program, three days a week, where you start slow and gradually get up to running for 30 minutes at a time. I think it's a bit misleading since most people do it by time and not distance. So you can run for 30 minutes and still not have run a 5k, depending on how fast you go.

Now you might remember from my post about stigma that I started running. That lasted up until I wrote the post. Then I stopped. Fastforward a long time in the future, I used the Zombies, Run! 5k Training app for five whole weeks before stopping. Which I don't think I mentioned. I stopped in December.

Now, I'm starting again. And by starting again I mean I've done it one day. This is what I mean by jumping the gun. This time I'm using the 10k Trainer Free app. Because one of my 25 by 25 goals is to run a 10k. Which I now wish was a 5k. This app goes from nothing to running a 10k in 14 weeks. Which I do realize is like a monstrous commitment. And by nothing I mean alternating jogging for a minute and walking for a minute and a half. I'm hoping that by talking about it here, I might keep it up for a change. Although that hasn't seemed to work in the past. I just don't hold myself accountable for anything. I like this program better than the Zombies, Run! 5k program because that program has "free-form runs" which means run or walk. I like having more structure than that.

So, how did it go? Pretty well. I was able to keep up at a 3.7mph walking pace and a 4.9mph running pace with in incline of 1.0. Of course running 5.0mph for 30 minutes is not a 5k. But I figured I'd work on speed later. I could probably go a little faster if I wasn't on the treadmill, but I've seen multiple people get hurt by going too fast or slipping off. And that is not on my list of things to do. Also, my shoes suck. So, I should probably change that. I just don't want to invest in running shoes if I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know if I'm going to keep doing it. Even though I realize that it could help. Although, with me, I doubt it. Also I need money for tuition this summer.

That's another thing I'm doing. Summer school. For June and July. My parents aren't too happy about it, but it gives me space to do research in my schedule. If I can find someone who will take me anyways. I was/am in contact with one professor, but he needed/needs someone who can code a test for him. While I have coding in my background (why he was interested in me) what he wants me to do is out of my scope. If I take four classes this summer, I can take fifteen hours each of my last semesters which leaves three for research. I need to do research for my minor, so I can get into grad school, and so I can get another letter of recommendation.

I know this post is a little jumpy. But my attention is just not here there or anywhere. I guess it's not usually, but today especially. Also, over and over I'd think something, not write it down, and then keep writing. I read it over, but you might have to fill in some blanks.