Accidentally Graduating

Hi, so, I'm back for now. I haven't forgotten this blog, but I haven't posted since January either. So much has happened since then. I moved back in with my mom due to... well a lot of reasons. My cat was really sick (she got better as soon as I moved), and my parents were worried about me. I've also been struggling financially.  After I was in the hospital in January my job stopped giving me hours. Like I came to them the day I got out and gave them my letter that I was okay to start working again. They put me on the schedule once about a month after I got out (probably so they can pretend it wasn't related to being in the hospital), but I haven't had hours once since then and I stopped getting emails telling me that I'm not on the schedule.

After that I looked for a job for awhile, I didn't even get any interviews. I could only apply to places I could walk to, but even the grocery stores and the bowling alley didn't call me back. During that time I was studying for the MCAT. I stopped when I came back to my mom's house because my baby sister was graduating high school. I was going to pick it back up when I got back to my house but that's when my cat got sick, my mom got worried, I came home, and my cat got better. She hadn't been eating or drinking but the day after I came back she was drinking a lot and her weird hiccup thing almost went away completely. However, I never really went back to studying.

I've been doing some acrobatics with my school. In just four years with a summer my attempted credits are up to 193 (the equivalent of about 13 regular semesters). In order to get any financial aid that number has to remain below 180. So I had to do an appeal. I started by trying to get my advisor letter. I eventually had my letter and a supporting letter, but my advisor letter had not gone through. I'm still not so sure what happened there. Eventually I spoke with another advisor in the Dean's office and she advised me to graduate with a BA instead of BS. I was not the biggest fan of this. I only need one more class to graduate with a BS, and I wanted to take Organic Chemistry 2, too. However, I decided that it was in my best interest to graduate. It would save me trying to figure out many things before August 18th. So in my circumstance it would probably better this way. I still need to take Organic Chemistry 2, and because I will not be working towards a degree it will be very expensive. Also, because the college I live near now is much more expensive than the school I went to. Each credit you take here is almost $500. Organic Chemistry 2 is four credits. And there will also be lab fees, whatever other fees that school has, and then of course books, and maybe lab equipment. I have the last two for my former school but that kind of stuff varies from school to school, sometimes professor to professor. So, as long as tuition doesn't go up, which it will, it will be about $2500 plus books and supplies, out of pocket, also plus gas because it's sort of far. So I have to figure out when I want to take that and the MCAT so I can apply to programs next cycle.

Also, if anyone knows any medical field jobs in my area, let me know. I'm looking at a few things, but I'm open to suggestions. Preferably, I am looking for a longer term position because I should have at least two years before I go back to school full time.

So yeah. I sort of graduate today. Well, according to my advisor in the Dean's office. I'm still a little weary because I've only heard it from one person. I haven't been able to find anything online about it. And the Registrar's office told me to call my advisor in the Dean's office. But as far as I know I am graduating today. Yay?

As far as everything else goes, I am going to choose to opt out of saying anything about what is going on right now on the outside of me. However, as far as my mental health stuff, I'm doing really well. I'm not quite sure what happened, but since about February I'm better than I've ever been like ever. I know it was not my most recent hospitalization in January, because I came out of that worse than I went in. Which is pretty scary since I came in via stretcher via ambulance. I'm fine though. Everything was fine. My labs never dropped into scary level, and they were taken so much. I had so many holes in my arms and hands I don't think they could have found another place to draw blood. I was uncomfortable but always fine. Now if I hadn't had gone, that would have been a little different, but I did. I might have another post about that stay and I might not.

Basically, despite it all, I'm doing pretty good. As far as a diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I still have a few. But it's not like how it was all of the other years.

I'm not going to promise to write again soon, because maybe I will and maybe I won't. But I would like to know how you are doing. What have you been up to since January?

I don't have much to say...

Yes, I am still here. I don't have much to report. I'm taking a children's lit class, a class on plagues, basic biology (with lab), organic chemistry (with lab), and physics with calculus two (with lab). Today I had two tests and a presentation. The first test (organic) I believe went well. The second test I'm sure did not go well, but we got three points for putting our name on the test, so I know I didn't get a zero. The presentation, according to peer comments, I did well on, but lacked confidence. Speaking in front of people is one of my biggest fears so that is really good.

That was last week. I've since gotten grades back... a 99 on the organic chemistry test, a D on the physics test, and a 10/10 on the presentation. Looks like I have to step up my physics game. I also took two tests Tuesday. The first one went pretty well. I BSed a little, but I think I did okay. The second one, I don't think I did too well on. I hope the free response is worth a lot of points because I'm pretty sure I got that part perfect. The night before I took them I could have studied more. I had a couple of breakdowns over a few things, so that had me challenging why evolution mattered when some other things are going on.

Wednesday, I did the lab I talked about here. It took me all of 11 minutes. People kept coming over to look at mine because I am the only one who had her shit together. Because I am amazing. And because I had done the lab before... sort of.

I really don't have too much else to report. School still makes me anxious. But not quite as anxious as before. Mostly. I did have to take a Xanax twice this week before school to stop me from throwing up. But I've been especially stressed this past week about family stuff.

My roommates are great. We're all sort of slobs. The trash bags are building up in the living room (the dumpster is really far away). We leave dishes on the stove and on the counter. Which if we need to use we can move without expecting anyone to blow up. If we need to do laundry and there's something in we just do their laundry. Again without having to expect anyone to blow up. We live a lot more like a family than my last living situation. And everyone loves Storm.

Also, for some reason all of my comments on my last post went away. The comments are still on my IntenseDebate account, but aren't showing up for everyone to read. There was quite a few of them so it's unfortunate. It's like Blogger suddenly got rid of IntenseDebate and put its own comment... thing back. So that's no fun. I have no idea how to fix it. If anyone does know, email me.

So... how have you all been doing?

Going Back to School

You didn't expect another post so soon now, did you?

Going back to school has terrified me for a long time. I don't know what part about it does -- except for all of it. I'm afraid to move in. I'm afraid to meet my new roommates. I'm afraid to start school. I'm afraid to sit in class. I'm afraid to do labs. I'm afraid to do homework.... Basically... I'm afraid.

And yet tomorrow I move into my new home with three girls I have yet to meet.

Why does it scare me? I don't know. It might have something to do with how I left early last time. But then again, maybe not. I know I can always take a medical withdraw if I get too sick. Yet, that does not seem to comfort me.

I feel like I should say more, but I don't know what else to say. How do you feel about going back to school?

Montessori School

Note: Blogger does not autosave well. I had a semi-long post and it got deleted when my computer unexpectedly shut down for updates. I wish I didn't have to have that enabled to use the school's wifi. This has made me put off rewriting this post. Not that I really have an excuse.

So, as you probably know, I've been working at a Montessori school these past few months or so. Working there is actually kind of fun. I've gotten attached to all the children (I'm not allowed to call them kids... baby goats are kids). It's pretty hectic but is okay overall. I'm getting up earlier than I had to for school which is a little more than funny, but you know.

The children don't quite take me as serious as the other teachers, but I guess that's okay. They don't listen to me as well. And they're not as quiet when they do listen. Maybe it's because I don't seem to have the scary dangerous sounding mode. All I do is ask nicely for them to do things. And it does, I admit, sound more like asking than telling. There's one child I have been working with in particular. He regularly tells me to shut up or calls me stupid. This puts the other teachers in a what-did-you-just-say scary mode. But I just continue to ask nicely for him to do whatever it was. My trick with him is annoying him into doing what I want him to do. One time I had to ask for an hour and a half before he would do his spelling. But eventually I get so annoying he caves and does it. The teacher/my boss says I'm the only one he listens to. I can't say I truly believe that, but it's a nice thought.

It's weird having a "miss." in front of my name but the weirdest part for me is that I don't feel old enough to work there. After all, I remember being a student of that age. I remember things much differently from how I see them now. For example, the teachers seemed to be rocks. I now know that we aren't rocks at all. We hope to hold strong, but it doesn't feel like we do. The children, ages 5-12, don't seem to notice. It's also weird because I remember being in sixth grade and having some of the same feelings I have now. Even though I know I must have changed. But it just seems a little strange. And I hate thinking that maybe some of the children are like me at those ages.

I'm also a little afraid I'll do or say something I shouldn't, and it'll have an effect on the children. This is not a new fear -- I'm afraid of having a negative effect on everyone -- but I never before have spent every day for months on end with such impressionable people. I guess other than when I was the same age. In the summer I'll be working with even younger children who are even more impressionable. It worries me a little. It was, however, a little reassuring that my boss told me that if I left school she would hire me next year immediately. Maybe it's the mental illness fogging my vision. As I've said before, I know mental illnesses do not rub off. But that's not what it tells me.

Speaking of mental illness, I'm going to write a med update soon. So, stay tuned.