Accidentally Graduating

Hi, so, I'm back for now. I haven't forgotten this blog, but I haven't posted since January either. So much has happened since then. I moved back in with my mom due to... well a lot of reasons. My cat was really sick (she got better as soon as I moved), and my parents were worried about me. I've also been struggling financially.  After I was in the hospital in January my job stopped giving me hours. Like I came to them the day I got out and gave them my letter that I was okay to start working again. They put me on the schedule once about a month after I got out (probably so they can pretend it wasn't related to being in the hospital), but I haven't had hours once since then and I stopped getting emails telling me that I'm not on the schedule.

After that I looked for a job for awhile, I didn't even get any interviews. I could only apply to places I could walk to, but even the grocery stores and the bowling alley didn't call me back. During that time I was studying for the MCAT. I stopped when I came back to my mom's house because my baby sister was graduating high school. I was going to pick it back up when I got back to my house but that's when my cat got sick, my mom got worried, I came home, and my cat got better. She hadn't been eating or drinking but the day after I came back she was drinking a lot and her weird hiccup thing almost went away completely. However, I never really went back to studying.

I've been doing some acrobatics with my school. In just four years with a summer my attempted credits are up to 193 (the equivalent of about 13 regular semesters). In order to get any financial aid that number has to remain below 180. So I had to do an appeal. I started by trying to get my advisor letter. I eventually had my letter and a supporting letter, but my advisor letter had not gone through. I'm still not so sure what happened there. Eventually I spoke with another advisor in the Dean's office and she advised me to graduate with a BA instead of BS. I was not the biggest fan of this. I only need one more class to graduate with a BS, and I wanted to take Organic Chemistry 2, too. However, I decided that it was in my best interest to graduate. It would save me trying to figure out many things before August 18th. So in my circumstance it would probably better this way. I still need to take Organic Chemistry 2, and because I will not be working towards a degree it will be very expensive. Also, because the college I live near now is much more expensive than the school I went to. Each credit you take here is almost $500. Organic Chemistry 2 is four credits. And there will also be lab fees, whatever other fees that school has, and then of course books, and maybe lab equipment. I have the last two for my former school but that kind of stuff varies from school to school, sometimes professor to professor. So, as long as tuition doesn't go up, which it will, it will be about $2500 plus books and supplies, out of pocket, also plus gas because it's sort of far. So I have to figure out when I want to take that and the MCAT so I can apply to programs next cycle.

Also, if anyone knows any medical field jobs in my area, let me know. I'm looking at a few things, but I'm open to suggestions. Preferably, I am looking for a longer term position because I should have at least two years before I go back to school full time.

So yeah. I sort of graduate today. Well, according to my advisor in the Dean's office. I'm still a little weary because I've only heard it from one person. I haven't been able to find anything online about it. And the Registrar's office told me to call my advisor in the Dean's office. But as far as I know I am graduating today. Yay?

As far as everything else goes, I am going to choose to opt out of saying anything about what is going on right now on the outside of me. However, as far as my mental health stuff, I'm doing really well. I'm not quite sure what happened, but since about February I'm better than I've ever been like ever. I know it was not my most recent hospitalization in January, because I came out of that worse than I went in. Which is pretty scary since I came in via stretcher via ambulance. I'm fine though. Everything was fine. My labs never dropped into scary level, and they were taken so much. I had so many holes in my arms and hands I don't think they could have found another place to draw blood. I was uncomfortable but always fine. Now if I hadn't had gone, that would have been a little different, but I did. I might have another post about that stay and I might not.

Basically, despite it all, I'm doing pretty good. As far as a diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I still have a few. But it's not like how it was all of the other years.

I'm not going to promise to write again soon, because maybe I will and maybe I won't. But I would like to know how you are doing. What have you been up to since January?

"Everything is Different the Second Time Around"

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what I want to say in this post. I, for the most part, know who reads this and most of you I don't mind you knowing this. I'm still hesitant though. But, I know that this is related to stigma, and I shouldn't be ashamed of what's going on. As you probably all know, or have figured out I have depression. Pretty severe depression. I have moderate to severe persistent depressive disorder, recurrent severe major depressive disorder, and anxiety disorder unspecified. While that's only three diagnoses, it can be a lot to handle. Despite it all, I am grateful that I do not have it worse.

So, here's what you probably don't know. I've been to a psych ward. I've been in the psych ward a lot this year. Why this year and not before? I couldn't tell you. Maybe I'm getting worse. Maybe I'm accepting that I need help. Maybe I could have ridden it out, like I've always done before, but maybe not. Maybe going in saved my life, or at least a trip or two to the ICU. I don't know. It's hard to say for sure.

I call them part one, part two, and part three. And I might write more about them later. I spent half of February in the psych ward, on two separate occasions. I spent half of March in partial hospitalization, and I spent a week in April in the hospital again. In part three we joked a lot about how I should write a book. After all It's Kind of a Funny Story was written after a much shorter hospital stay. And I have way more experience than that.

The worst part is, my treatment team is not sure what to do with me anymore. I mean they weren't sure what to do with me before I went in all those times, but they thought we could work something out. But now the counseling center at my school says it's unethical to treat me. Because after all I've been through clearly they're not helping. I offered to switch to a new therapist at the counseling center but they say it's not enough. They don't think their level of care is good enough for me because of the hospitalizations and partial hospitalization.

I have started therapy with a new person. He, I guess, is more qualified. He specifically does DBT, dialectal behavioral therapy. I've seen him several times, and I do like him. I guess this therapy is replacing therapy at the counseling center. All I ask is that I can continue to see my psychiatrist, who I adore. In a few weeks I'm going to start a DBT group for two hours per week. I'm pretty nervous about that, but talking in groups is getting easier for me. And later this summer I'm taking a public communication class. Which just thinking about speeds up my heart and makes me want to cry. But as strange as it sounds (to me at least) I am getting better. I'm sure it's all the talking, not only in therapy, but in the groups in the hospital and partial. This has changed since I've written it. Like I said, I've been sitting on this post for months and months. I'm now taking organic chemistry two instead of public communication. But, I still have to take public communication eventually, so I decided to leave that in.

The title of this post comes from the song "You've Got Time" by Regina Spektor. It is, as many of you probably know, the theme song from Orange is the New Black. Which I watch. Just like everyone else who has Netflix and is (hopefully) above 18, which I'm sure stops no one. Despite the triggers it brings up in me, I pushed through it.

I chose that song quote because it accurately sums up my hospital experience. It really is "different" the second time around, especially for me. Part two I even made a friend. Who I still talk to a lot. Part three they called me the welcoming committee. And I wish I could know how my fellow psych patients are doing. I've talked to one person once from part three since I got out.

My dad said it must have been easy to talk to everyone because I felt better than them. My parents know about part three, and ONLY part three and partial, because of insurance reasons. But I told him we were all there for a reason. And I didn't feel better than anyone. And I really didn't. How could I? He then asked my reason and I replied to change meds, which is my story that I'm telling to my parents. And he was like why? And I said because I wasn't doing well. And he asked if I had bad thoughts. And I said yes. So he at least knows that. I hope my parents never find out how close I've been so many times - even this past weekend I had to lock myself out of my room. But as they said in part two "it is what it is." They even had a huge sign that said it in the group room.

Another thing has happened too. This is not something we want to be spread around. So if you know me in real life, please don't tell anyone you know. It is only half my business. My dad left my mom. That's right. My dad left my mom. It is a big shock because they weren't fighting or anything. He told us he's leaving because he wants a romantic relationship, something he and my mom were lacking. My baby sisters have seen him once this week. It's been really hard for all of us.

I'm not sure if I have anything else to say right now. I think I'm going to finally publish this post. I'm open to any questions you have about the hospital visits or my parents or anything else. If you have them leave a comment or email me at cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com. If you get this in an email, just a reminder, do not reply to that email, because I will not receive it. I know a few of you need this reminder. Anyways, as always, thanks for reading.