Starting DBT and Hope

Note: I wrote the first part of this two days ago. And then I changed the dates. And I don't want to change them again. Sooo.

Yesterday I started real DBT. I've been seeing the DBT counselor for awhile, but I started group yesterday. In order to start group, to officially start DBT I had to make a big commitment. Actually I had to agree to three things. I don't remember the second two. But, they were like use skills or call him if I have a crisis or something like that. Like I said I don't remember them at all. But the first stipulation was that I wouldn't kill myself for a year. At first he said six months, (My treatment plan is to stay in this therapy for either six months or a year. And if I have no results we would discuss changing therapies - they would refer me out since they're DBT specialists. Although if I go to grad school on the West Coast I don't know what they'll/I'll do. I'm terrified. I digress.) but then he said if I did it January 21st he'd feel "really shitty," so he made it a year. I said, finally, "I guess," to the stipulations. Making a pact not to kill myself. It was a very hard thing to agree to do. It's so far in the future. But he said as long as I couldn't promise it, I couldn't do group and continue therapy with them any further. Since the counseling center won't take me back, I'd have to go to Columbia Area Mental Health Center which is not the best place to go, and I would have to walk a lot further to get there. So I agreed. So you guys are with me for at least another year. (I know that's over the top - you guys adore me.)

My first group, well, it was difficult. I had a panic attack right away. And I don't really remember what happened. I know we talked about the wise mind. Which I had drilled into me every day at the hospital and PHP. I do remember my homework which was to observe, describe, and participate. And I've already done all those things. So I guess I didn't really procrastinate on it? I didn't fill out the worksheets, but I don't have to I don't think. I just have to talk about it for three minutes. And I wrote it out basically what I'm going to say. So that helps.

Ugh.

In other news. I've decided what I want to do when I "grow up!" I want to go into clinical neuropsychopharmacology. What is that you ask? Well, break it down. "Clinical" I want to be with people and prescribe medication. "Neuro" the brain. "Psycho" mental illness. "Pharmacology" medicine. I want to know what medicine does in the brain and prescribe medicine to people with mental illnesses. Or, for more information go to the neuropsychopharmacology wikipedia page. Here's a YouTube clip from a musical called "Next to Normal" which is about the family dynamics with a mom who has bipolar disorder. The song is called "Who's Crazy/My Psychopharmacologist and I." I recommend the song. It's one of my favorite song from "Next to Normal" which if you haven't seen, you should.

hopefully I'll have people feeling better than this

Also, I've been taking an over the counter diet pill stimulant, which has helped my ideation immensely. So next week we're going to tweak my medications again and see what happens. I actually have hope that this is going to work. And my psychiatrist and I are going to pretend I didn't recommend this two winters ago if it does. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. What do I have to lose? But I have my life to gain.

I know that last post was dark and might have scared a few of you. Well, due to the stimulant I'm feeling much better than that now. And like I said, I actually have hope. Those of you who have known me a while know that I don't hope. I don't have hope. But right now I do. And it's amazing.

I'll let you know how next group goes next week. I might also wait until I get on the actual medication so I can report. So expect a post Fridayish? Except I have a few posts I've written that I've been waiting to post so I might post one of those in between. Anyways, sorry, I'm rambling.

What's your medication story? Here's mine. I've updated today it say dosages. If you have any questions about any psych medication I'm good at those too. Ask away!

a thread

This post is more depressing and definitely more raw than my other posts. I've been feeling not so great so here it is (trigger warning):

a thread

i stand upon a thread
stretched like a tightrope
waiting for it to break
or for me to slip and fall
down
    down
        down

most are hanging by a thread
waiting for it to snap
i stand on it
waiting for it to break

except i find
that it has already broken
and i am free falling
down
    down
        down

will something catch me?
or will i fall to my death?

School and Mental Illness

Let's just say it's not a happy combination.

Today, while I was having a panic attack, for reasons still unknown to me, the teacher had me come up in front of the class with my "lesbian partner" (we have family groups in my family counseling class) and have a therapy session with him. I didn't have a clue what was going on. I hadn't been paying attention in class due to the crying and panic. And, actually, I've never paid much attention in class anyways. We had our session. I let her (my lesbian partner) answer most of the questions. I just sort of nodded along. I'm not on currently any fast acting anxiety medications. Instead I'm on a long lasting anti-anxiety medication twice a day. For a list of what I'm currently taking check out this post. However that doesn't help when I feel like I'm about to throw up, and I'm having a panic attack.

The worst thing was that the professor knew what was going on. He could see it. He's a counselor himself. He could see me mostly successfully holding back tears, but not completely. He could see the panic in my eyes when I looked at him. The tapping of my foot. But he asked me to do it anyways. I understand that it was in the lesson plan, but still.

Another class I'm taking is Organic Chemistry Two. How's that going? Not well. I got a 30% on my first exam. I've decided to drop the class and take a W (withdraw). But I haven't done it yet, I'm kind of scared to. Also, I feel like a failure doing it. Because I know I can do it. I know I can. I do. If I put in the time. And I just can't seem to do that. Therefore, I can't do the class. I spend too much of my time sleeping and recovering and doing nothing.

My third class is going really well. My professor today told me I made the highest grade in the class on our first exam (a 93%). When I first saw the grade I was disappointed. I thought I could do better. But after finding out it was the highest grade in the class I felt much better. Also, he said there is a very good chance I can do research with him in the fall. Which is exciting because he's a neuroscientist. And working in a neuroscience lab and getting a letter of recommendation from a neuroscience professor is good when applying to PhD programs for neuroscience. As long as I don't have to sacrifice anything. I absolutely refuse to do that. Point blank refuse.

My last two summer classes were Cellular and Molecular Biology and Young Adult Literature which went alright. I got an A in YA Lit and a C in Cellular and Molecular Biology. Which I'm content with. Although I really wanted a B in Cellular and Molecular Biology. As part of YA Lit I wrote two chapters set in the psychiatric emergency room and the children's psychiatric ward, if any of you want to read it. Just send me an email ats cassandra.cassandrascurse@gmail.com or comment below. At this time I do not plan on writing any more of it.

Also, while on the topic of mental illness and school, as many of you know Spring of 2014, I took a medical withdraw. I don't know if I mentioned it in post about it or not. I don't remember. But that was also due to mental illness. So yay mental illness and school. I was unable to attend classes. And couldn't be in Columbia. I needed to be in Charleston. Although, it is interesting that I made it through school last semester (with my best GPA to date!) while missing four non-consecutive weeks of classes due to being in the mental hospital three times plus partial hospitalization.

Are any of you taking summer classes? If so how are they going? How has mental illness affected your school/work/etc. experience?